Adrian Monk: What do we owe you?
Willis: You want to thank me? Find out what happened to my boss. You know, it's funny. Mr. Teal had it all. More money than God, a beautiful wife. But he was the loneliest man in the world. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
Sharona: You felt sorry for your boss? I can only imagine what that would feel like.
Adrian Monk: Get in the car.

Sharona: Look, they're all basically the same. What about this one? This is great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but it doesn't swivel. The other one swiveled.
Sharona: I think you should try something different for a change. They probably don't even make your stupid lamp anymore.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: Maybe it's been discontinued.
Adrian Monk: Discontinued?
Sharona: Why don't you buy a lamp factory and make your own? It'd only cost you $500,000, but at least you'd have your precious lamp.

Sharona: You're buying three?
Adrian Monk: Two are backups. Why don't you fill out an application?
Sharona: Maybe I will.
Cashier: $95.75.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Would you mind? I'll pay you back.
Sharona: Where's your wallet?
Adrian Monk: I'm having it, you know, buffed.

Sharona: Here's our invoice for the Teal case. We'd like to get paid.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't you usually just mail this in?
Sharona: We're in a rush.
Lieutenant Disher: A little short, huh?
Sharona: Yeah. So are you.

Archie Modine: That is one hell of a story, Mr. Monk, if you could prove it.
Adrian Monk: He always went the extra mile. That night, your pal Sidney had a little surprise of his own.
Archie Modine: Really?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. You see, he'd hired an actor to pose as a cop. So after you scared off the mugger, the cop was going to run up and commend you for your heroism.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Fraidy Cop.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid so. You see, Captain, I remembered what you'd said that no cop in your department would ever run from the scene of a crime. And it occurred to me, maybe Fraidy Cop wasn't a real cop.
Sharona: I checked all the local costume shops. There was only one cop uniform rented that night.
Adrian Monk: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Joseph Moratta. Very promising young actor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You?
Adrian Monk: Joe wanted me to mention that he can be seen in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the Harris Webley Dinner Theater all next week.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God's name was he doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.

Adrian Monk: You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going Rollerblading after?

Adrian Monk: Speed limit's 35.
Sharona: I am going 35.
Adrian Monk: 37. 38 now.
Sharona: Why couldn't you just hold out for the raise? I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit.
Adrian Monk: Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.

Adrian Monk: Mrs. Butterworth, do you have any idea what Sidney Teal was doing in that parking lot?
Mrs. Butterworth: No. I still can't believe it happened. I'm still in denial. Mugging somebody. For what? Maybe $40? Well, maybe he went crazy. Do you think that's possible, Mr. Monk? For a man to be normal one day and then suddenly go crazy?
Adrian Monk: Yes! I meant the... [points to flowers he was cutting]

Sharona: Look, we need to get paid. I need cash. The stores in my neighborhood insist on money.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I can't. There's more to it.
Sharona: If you don't submit that invoice, I'm quitting. Now, I'm going to give you until three. [Monk goes to check his watch] No, not 3:00. I'm counting to three. One, two, three. Call me the minute you grow up.