Adrian Monk: Who's she?
Lieutenant Disher: The looney tune of the month. Her name's Jennie Mandeville. She keeps coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lieutenant Disher: She comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder. Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: She didn't look unstable.
Captain Stottlemeyer: They never do.

Dr. Kroger: Excuse me! What are you doing? Did you see that? There was someone out there. I'm going to have to report this.
Adrian Monk: It's okay. It's okay. He's just another detective trying to find the diamond. There's a whole bunch of them. Yesterday, they followed us down the coast to that big meditation center in Monterey.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, I've been there. It's just beautiful. But this was years ago when Jennie Mandeville was still alive.
Adrian Monk: Jennie Mandeville?
Dr. Kroger: Jennie Mandeville. Yeah, she owned the property. There's this big plaque there with her name on it.
Adrian Monk: That's right. I remember, I saw it.
Dr. Kroger: What?
Adrian Monk: I just solved the case. I think I know where that diamond is. Oh, I have to go. We'll add 20 minutes onto my next session.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, Adrian! Adrian, I'm sorry. I have a policy. If you leave early, I have to charge you for the whole session.
Adrian Monk: Grr. [deliberates]

Adrian Monk: Natalie! Natalie, I did it! I solved the case! I know where the diamond is!
Natalie: What? So where is it?
Adrian Monk: It's at the police station. It's been there the whole time! It's been right under our nose.
Natalie: Oh, my God. Who would do that to my car?
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Natalie! They're listening.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: What I meant was, I didn't solve the case. I wish I had, I'm completely stumped.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: No, wait. What I really meant was, I did solve the case. The diamond is in the Philippines. We gotta go the airport, fly to the...
Natalie: Forget about it. Just run! Run!

Cab Driver: Welcome aboard.
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, wait. This inspection sticker expired yesterday.
Cab Driver: Yeah, I'm taking care of that tomorrow.
Adrian Monk: Expired. It's expired.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's a million dollars. Please get in the cab for me.
Adrian Monk: It's expired.
Natalie: Forget about it, forget about it. Give me back my money.
Cab Driver: No refunds. It's one of my things.

Adrian Monk: Lieutenant! Lieutenant, remember the security guard that you arrested?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Where did you interrogate him?
Lieutenant Disher: Right there, room B.
Adrian Monk: And the girl who kept confessing, Jennie Mandeville, where did you take her?
Lieutenant Disher: Room A then room D.
Adrian Monk: But she was never in there?
Lieutenant Disher: No, no.
Adrian Monk: It's gotta still be in there. In that room!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's in there? Monk, what's going on?
Adrian Monk: Tell you later.

Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you cannot come in here.
Inspector St. Clare: My two friends are American citizens. They have a right to be here. Myself, I am on a temporary visa. Which I hope to extend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are they with you?
Adrian Monk: Only in the strictest, most terrible sense of the word.
Computer Geek: I heard you tell your shrink you solved the case.
Natalie: Excuse me.
Motorcycle Rider: Nobody's going anywhere. Not until we know what he knows.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just made a big mistake, my friend. I happen to be a police captain. And this is an unlawful imprisonment. Book him.
Lieutenant Disher: You're under arrest. Turn around. Fine, give me your hands. Do you have your cuffs?
Captain Stottlemeyer: In my office.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Shut up! Everybody, shut up! Everybody but Monk. Monk, what's going on?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Here's what happened. The woman who founded the meditation center was named Jennie Mandeville.
Lieutenant Disher: What, the confessor?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no. The girl you met was not the real Jennie Mandeville. She got the name from a plaque she saw up at the retreat. She needed a fake name, maybe she liked the sound of it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What was she doing up there?
Adrian Monk: She went there to kill Danny Chasen. The guy in the roll-top desk. It was probably her boyfriend's idea. Jewel thieves are like children. They hate to share. This is a very crowded room. This is a very, very, very, very, very, very...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Monk, Monk, it's okay. It's okay. Who was her boyfriend?
Adrian Monk: He was the security guard that Randy arrested. He was the jewel thief! He was the inside man. The diamond was still in his pocket when you were talking to him.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, we brought him here right from the museum.
Adrian Monk: I remember before the interrogation he was chewing a big piece of gum. But when I saw him after the interrogation, the gum was gone. He must have panicked in that room. You had him on the drug charges, he knew he was about to be arrested. Which, of course, meant he'd be searched. So he hid the rock right there under the table.
Captain Stottlemeyer: With his chewing gum.
Adrian Monk: People do it in restaurants all the time. I've written letters to my congressman and to the editor, what can I do? He must have telephoned his girlfriend from jail to tell her where he stashed the diamond.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And that's why she was coming in here confessing to everything.
Lieutenant Disher: And why she was always asking to switch rooms, 'cause she was trying to get in there.

Motorcycle Rider: All right, okay. I changed my mind. There's seven of us and we're all adults. We'll just divide the money seven ways.
Natalie: No way. We were here first.
Inspector St. Clare: I think it's only fair that we divide the proceeds. I mean, we have been working in tandem.
Natalie: We've not been working in tandem. You've been chasing us. That's not tandem.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me, could I say one thing? You and you and you, you're breathing my air.
Computer Geek: What about them?
Adrian Monk: They're breathing your air. You're breathing his. It's complicated. But if these two dropped back...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Monk, it's okay. I'll call for help.

Natalie: Okay. Oh, my God. Gladys.
Motorcycle Rider: No, no, no, no.
Computer Geek: Stop, stop.
Gladys: Monk? Is that you? I told you to leave me alone.
Natalie: Somebody barfed in the bathroom!
Motorcycle Rider: No, come on!
All: Hey!
Gladys: Okay, fine! Look, I'm gonna clean under the table just like you want, okay?
Natalie: Go over! Go over the table and clean! Go over the table and clean!
Gladys: Okay? You happy?
Natalie: I can't look.
Gladys: Ka-ching. [laughs]