Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie: Yeah, it's okay. That's not gonna give her enough time. It's all right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Natalie: Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the 49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding?
Natalie: Yeah. Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie: Okay. You're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no, I'm sure we could make that work.
Natalie: Oh, great. Because I lied. But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks.

Natalie: Julie showed me what happened. They found Coach Hayden's body in here, next to the showers. You okay?
Adrian Monk: Girls' bathroom.
Natalie: What are you afraid of? Cooties?
Adrian Monk: Don't laugh. Jury is still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding.

Julie Teeger: Is this a bad time?
Adrian Monk: Yes, it is.
Emily C.: Should we come back?
Adrian Monk: No, it's always a bad time.

Adrian Monk: Ah, this brings back memories. Sitting in the principal's office.
Natalie: You? I can't picture you being sent to the principal's office.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't sent. I used to go there on my own. To report on the troublemakers. I was Mr. Kantman's eyes and ears. That's what he called me.
Natalie: So you spied on other kids?
Adrian Monk: I was keeping the study hall safe for people like you. You're welcome.

Natalie: This is my boss. This is Adrian Monk. Principal Franklin.
Principal Franklin: Oh, yes. We met last year at the career day. How've you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: I'm sorry to hear that.

Adrian Monk: The second one. There's no cobwebs on it. All the other windows are covered with them. Up you go.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Take a look. Check it out. Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go.
Natalie: I'm just the assistant, remember?
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right? Assist. From the Latin meaning "up you go".

Adrian Monk: Yeah, all right. Let's just keep it simple. See, each basket we sink counts as two points.
Girl: Except if you're behind the line.
Adrian Monk: Emily, you're just confusing everyone.
Emily C.: She's not Emily.
Adrian Monk: She's Emily now. You're all Emily, understand? We're gonna be fine. Everybody just go out there and give 100 percent.
Emily J.: But Coach Hayden said we should give 110 percent.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. That's a bad idea. Anyway, it's mathematically impossible. Just give 100 percent. It's a nice, round number.
Emily J.: Well, I'm gonna give 110 percent.
Adrian Monk: Fine. Okay, Julie, you give 90%.
Emily C.: Well, I'm gonna give 115%.
Adrian Monk: Fine, well Julie you're down to 75%.

Adrian Monk: Where's my whistle?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don't need a whistle.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I-I-I- I'm gonna have to buy a whistle and one of those clipboards, I guess.
Natalie: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie: Oh, that's something.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, then I was disqualified. The mother said I went counterclockwise or something.
Natalie: At least you got invited to the party.
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay? It was my mother.

Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know about this. I don't know much about basketball.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don't have to know anything. You're my assistant. My assistant. I like that. The worm has turned.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it certainly has.

Principal Franklin: This has been very hard on the kids. Especially the team. Without a coach, we're gonna have to forfeit the last game.
Natalie: With the championship game? No! I- I- I'll coach 'em. I'll do it.
Principal Franklin: Oh, no, Natalie. I- I wasn't trying-
Natalie: No, no. I played basketball in high school. Varsity. All four years. Plus I know all the girls.
Principal Franklin: Well, it is only one game.
Natalie: Oh, I think the girls really need this.
Principal Franklin: Okay, we'll try it.
Natalie: Okay.
Principal Franklin: But you're gonna need an assistant.
Adrian Monk: What? What are you looking at? [raises hand] Principal Franklin, Natalie's staring at me.