Cameron: Okay, Haley, uh... hot boyfriend, job, baby on the way... You seem to have it all, yet you took a very different path than your older sister, Alex.
Alex: I'm younger!
Cameron: Oh, wow. Okay. I guess that's why they call studying "the new smoking." [Haley laughs]
Manny: No one says that.
Alex: Can I add...
Cameron: I'm sure you can, but it won't help in the real world.

Principal Brown: You thought you could bury me by killing college applications, didn't you? Hmm?
Cameron: I will clean out my half of the desk that I share.
Mitchell: Oh, no, it's... I'm so sorry. T-This is... This is my fault. I tried to play ball at work. There was a lot of unnecessary baking. The point is, I-I put these ideas into his head, so...
Principal Brown: Oh. So you're so weak and without conviction that somebody suggests some stupid idea to you and without even thinking, you just abandon all your values and fold like a cheap Chinese fan, huh?
Cameron: Yes, sir. I am a worm.
Principal Brown: That is exactly what I'm looking for. No threat to me at all. [chuckles] Well, congratulations, permanent Vice Principal Tucker.

Principal Brown: Now, first order of business: fix what you did here. You are gonna give me a Golden Apple.
Mitchell: Hey, hey! We are in a committed relationship!
Cameron: No, no, no. It's not the same thing we saw at Pepper's bachelor party.
Mitchell: It's not?
Cameron: No.

Jay: [aside to camera] After fighting with everybody all day, I was starting to think maybe I was the jerk. So I ended up back at the old office, you know, trying to figure out what it was about going to work there that I loved so much.

Jay: [on video] Congratulations. You've been hired at Pritchett's Closets, Blinds, and Waterbeds. I'm Jay Pritchett. Welcome to the team. [cheers and applause] You hear that? They're cheering for you already. That's something we value here... teamwork. And whether you're in sales or shipping or one of those cute tomatoes in the steno pool, you're important, 'cause we're family here. Wait a minute! Who's this new employee?
Claire: It's me. Claire, Daddy.
Jay: Oh, right! It's Claire!

Jay: [on video] Are you feeling shy, Claire?
Claire: [in real life] Uh... Yeah, I guess I am a little. Um...
Jay: How old are you?
Claire: You're right. Just come out and say it. Um... I'm worried that you're unhappy we sold the company and you're blaming it on me.
Jay: You're making that face like you have to go potty.
Claire: [exhales sharply] I'm anxious and... How can you even see my face?
Jay: She's my daughter. She thinks she runs the place.

Jay: I think maybe I need to try to be a little bit more like you and give this new thing a chance.
Claire: You know, they're not so bad when you get past the... the hipster beards and the sweaty handshakes.
Jay: Tell me about that printer guy, Eduardo. What the hell is 3-D printing anyway?
Claire: Look at you trying. Oh, Dad! Okay, -D printing is when you take three lasers and you can scan any object you want. You... You want to 3-D print your butt, don't you?
Jay: We want them to like me, don't we?

Gloria: That was me years ago.
Phil: [laughs] That's amazing. But what are you so upset about? You're just as beautiful now as you were then.
Gloria: Aww. I know. It's just that it was a time in my life where I was out there hustling, modeling, driving a taxi, selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside a nightclub. Seeing them taking it down made me feel like that version of me is gone forever.
Phil: So that's why you wanted to start modeling again.
Gloria: I just miss being passionate about something again. The way that you feel passionate about real estate.
Phil: Mm.
Gloria: You always seem, like, so alive, making new deals, meeting new people.
Phil: Have you ever thought about becoming a Realtor?
Gloria: Who hasn't?

Gloria: I bought a book one time to learn how to do it, but you know how it is. Sometimes in life, you just get stuck.
Phil: I think you'd be great at it. Really. I'd buy anything from you. I'm thinking about getting my chompers bleached, and there's only half of you up there.

Virtual Claire: May I help you with your clothes?
Phil: Ooh. I guess we are the only ones here.
Virtual Claire: Perhaps we'll start with the pants.
Phil: Wow. [belt rustles] Normally, you like a little slow shirt unbuttoning, but I guess we... are cutting to the chase.