Gloria: Thank you so much for helping out with Joe.
Joe: You don't think it's too flashy?
Phil: What are you talking about? You're taking a magic class. You want to show them you're serious. It's abracadabra, not abraca-drab-ra.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I saw that poster last week. It kind of reminded me of a long time ago when I used to do a little modeling. I guess I miss it. I tricked Phil into going to the mall because I knew that Jay wouldn't do it with me.

Gloria: Oh, come on, guys. This is gonna be so much fun.
Joe: I don't know. This kid in my class did a cough syrup commercial. Now he's always going to the teachers' lounge to call his manager. He's the worst.

Principal Brown: Well, looks like you're gonna get a pretty solid turnout, Tucker. Now close the deal. Hey, what is, uh, "whanex"?
Cameron: It's the way the kids say "What's next?" You know, if you want to reach them, you have to learn to speak their language.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Massive screw-up at the print shop. I-I have no idea how it happened!
[flashback:]
Cameron: [on the phone] Yeah, that's right. The banner should read... [eating a protein bar] whanex. Okay. Yeah, whanex. Uh-huh.

Cameron: Welcome, students, to the first annual "whanex" seminar. Let's, uh, just jump right into it and meet our panelists. We have two bright, young people who chose the college path and two wayward souls whose mistakes we can only hope to learn from.
Luke: 'Sup, Dolphins?

Claire: [aside to camera] Within half an hour, I had recorded all the voice prompts for the new smart-closet, and they installed it in the prototype right in the office. Everyone seemed really happy, but I don't get it. I mean... [sultry voice] a voice is just a voice.

Claire: Oh, good. Dad, you're back. Please step into our new smart-closet prototype.
Jay: So you can yell at me for bailing on the meeting this morning?
Claire: Just... You'll see.
Virtual Claire: May I help choose an outfit for you?
Jay: 'Cause I'm some old fossil that still puts on a suit to go to work?
Virtual Claire: Let's start over.
Jay: Why don't we?!
Virtual Claire: What level of comfort are you looking for?
Jay: Same thing I've had for the last years. A workplace where you interact with actual people every once in a while, like we're doing right now. I used to love sales calls. Now we don't even do them anymore. I mean, put yourself in my shoes.
Virtual Claire: Dress or casual?
Jay: Why do you sound like Lauren Bacall?!
Virtual Claire: [laughing] I don't understand.
Jay: Right, because now, like everything, my references are old and out of step.
Claire: Why are you yelling?
Jay: If you don't get it by now, you're never gonna get it!
Claire: Well, somebody's panties are in a bunch.
Virtual Claire: May I offer you a different pair?
Claire: That's just weird.

Alex: Could I please pipe in here?
Cameron: Yes, please. Alex.
Alex: I genuinely appreciate the opportunity to come back here, where I had the pleasure of serving as co-valedictorian, to offer a message of hope to those oft-marginalized overachievers out there. I... see... you. Well, I can't be the only one with goose bumps in here.

Mitchell: [on the phone] Um, I just got a text from work. My boss gave that big case to someone else! Meanwhile, I'm still on the hook for these stupid cupcakes! [exhales sharply] M- My heart is racing, my... my hands are numb. Plus, I-I think I have a case of airborne diabetes!

Cameron: All right, thank you, Manny. And for those of you still awake, I think what we've learned here today is... college, a dead end.