Phil: Darn it! My showing was pushed up tomorrow morning. I may have to make it an early one.
Claire: Are you sure? 'Cause you only have one night with me, tiger and I'm as flexible as a government-insured zero-down, variable-rate mortgage.
Phil: Who are you?

Cameron: What is that?
Mitchell: This is Anders's wedding present to us. He must have swapped it out when he opened that monstrosity that he thinks we got him.
Cameron: We're getting our painting back. Go.
Mitchell: Me? No, no. You've already done a recon of the room. You need to do this.
Cameron: Okay, take it easy, "Mission: Impossible" It's a bed and a couch, not a laser maze. Now get.

Jay: It's not that crazy. This has happened before.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, that time when Dede's lonely sister grabbed your leg?
Jay: Not lonely. She's a forest ranger. She can't be tied down. Look, before I shuffle back to my bell tower let me just say I know the look.

Manny: Oh, my God. She wants me out of the picture too. Of course. Young woman meets a wealthy, older man. Who wants a kid in the way?
Jay: That's the first airtight thing you've said today.

Manny: Open your eyes, Jay. She wants you all to herself. The red dress just like Mom's, the toy she knew Mom would trip on, the headless pictures. She's crazy!
Sonia: You think I'm crazy? This is what I did with the pictures. I made this valentine for Gloria. The dress I borrowed from Gloria to go with your pretty necklace. And the "poison" is guasca, a spice I brought from Colombia.
Jay: And there's Stella with the toy.
Sonia: Which she leaves all over the house.
Jay: There's been some misunderstanding here but it would be so super if you just wouldn't mention this to-
Gloria: Me?!
Jay: Geez! As loud as these two are, they move like cats.

Jay: Sonia, I'm an idiot. I jumped to some crazy conclusions today. I mean, I could say it's because of Valentine's or, I don't know me feeling a little neglected. But I know you could never-
Sonia: Kiss me.
Jay: Yes, because you're my sister-in-law and, uh-
Sonia: We hid it perfectly, Jay!
Jay: Sonia, wait!
Sonia: We've waited long enough! One night with me, and you'll forget all about her. She doesn't appreciate you. I hear how you fight.
Jay: That's just how we talk.
Sonia: Give in to it, Jay. We both- [picks up Joe's baby monitor] Oh, no. [screams]
Gloria: [screams] I knew it! How dare do you try to steal the life that I stole from you?

Claire: Did you remember to give Alex and Luke their lunch money?
Phil: Ma'am, yes, ma'am.
Claire: What about the electrician? Did you give him a check?
Phil: He's an electrician. He'll charge us.

Claire: I just want to keep it really low-key this year. You know, simple.
Phil: Yep.
Claire: On the other hand, we could have a drink at that hotel bar we love.
Phil: Go on.
Claire: Then come straight home put on our jammies and fall asleep in front of the TV.
Phil: Perfect. Looking forward to it already.
Claire: Ew, but not those ones I hate, those red satin pajamas.
Phil: I don't even know where those are.

Sonia: I just feel so bad. You have both shown me such kindness this week and I repay you with bad weather over Tampa.
Jay: No, this is better. It gets crazy out there. I'm happy to avoid the fuss.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Wouldn't have minded a little fuss. Maybe I've been kind of feeling taken for granted lately. I know only girls are supposed to care about Valentine's Day, but, ah, what am I crying about? We get paid more so what the hell?

Mitchell: Did you get it?
Cameron: Yes. And guess whose room they keep the last-minute wedding gifts in. Hint: Apparently you need your original hips to keep a nightgown closed.