Claire: [on the phone] The dentist says your new mouth guard should be there tomorrow. Alex, I am sure you can make it through one night I-I don't know, hit the materials lab and whip up some mouth flubber.

Margaret: Oh, Claire, thank goodness. There was a bit of a trucking mix-up. Irving was sent to Julian and can't get to Visalia.
Claire: Well, send Dustin to Visalia and have Irving hit Julian and Ramona.
Margaret: Dustin can't hit Visalia and also Irvine.
Claire: Well, can Julia hit Irvine?
Margaret: Not Irvine and Tustin.
Claire: Fine Send Julia to Julian, Ramón to Ramona, Dustin to Tustin, Irving to Irvine, and I'll drive the damn truck to Visalia!
Margaret: You?
Claire: Yes, of course me, Margaret! 'Cause I have to handle everything anyhow! If not me, who?
Margaret: Oh, no. Mi Hu is going to Carlsbad.

[As Luke watches the video of Cameron's detention:]
Luke: Oh, Uncle Cam. "Like."
[cut to Gloria's kitchen where she's watching the video:]
Cameron: [Irish accent] My friend, Billy. Billy Club.
Gloria: Ay, Cam. "Like."

Gloria: What kind of schools allow a teacher to date a student?
Jay: I'm guessing any art school.
Gloria: He can't date a 30-year-old. Manny's still a child.
Jay: Manny wasn't a child when I met him. Look, there was a 10-year period where there was at least one empty chair at my house every Thanksgiving because I had a lot to say about who Mitchell and Claire were dating. So learn from my one and only parental mistake.

Shane: Look, I'm, uh, sorry. I just really need these kids to accept me.
Cameron: No, Shane, you don't. Because they're popular, you think you need their approval.
Shane: [sighs] I'm a cop.
Cameron: Oh, are you, now?
Shane: There's concern about some drug traffic at this school. I am here, undercover, to shut it down.
Cameron: [mockingly] Okay, yeah. Okay, well, I kind of always knew you were police.
Shane: Well, sure. You're law enforcement, too. We know our own.
Cameron: Cop eyes.
Shane: Cop eyes.

Cameron: Okay. So what's the play?
Shane: There's this new designer drug called Dexomorphone.
Cameron: Mm-hmm.
Shane: Kids are calling them "Dum-Dums." So there's this big deal going down tonight on the north campus during the basketball game.
Cameron: And you want my help with the bust.
Shane: Yes. By being nowhere near there. I don't want to spook these dealers.
Cameron: Copy that. But in case you need backup, I should be near north campus.
Shane: Or nowhere near there.
Cameron: Or there but slouched down in my car so no one sees me.
Shane: Or at your house.
Cameron: Right.

Cameron: So, I shouldn't be telling you this, but Shane, the guy who shot the video, is actually an undercover cop.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: Yeah, and he did the video to sort of, like, humiliate me to get some street cred. And there's a big drug deal going on tonight, but he wants me to steer clear.
Mitchell: Is anyone else aware of Shane's "21 Jump Street" double life?
Cameron: Well, he's not gonna broadcast it out loud for everyone.
Mitchell: But you did get some paperwork or identification?
Cameron: Okay. You know what? I think it's hilarious that the person you don't trust is a hero, who's helping fight the Dexomorphone problem that's plaguing-
Mitchell: I'm sorry. What?
Cameron: The street name is "Dum-Dums," and Shane says there's literally Dum-Dums everywhere.
Mitchell: Okay. So, Shane, not a 16-year-old drug dealer who enjoys humiliating you but a baby-faced police officer, has deputized you, and your first assignment is to stay as far away as possible from a huge "Dum-Dum" deal that's about to go down? Cam, I mean, come I love how trusting you are, but when you start missing things that are that obvious [realizes he's been wheeling a doll around in the stroller], then, well, you know, I don't have to say anything more.

Manny: You know, um Mom really surprised me before. This is the first time she's treating me like an adult. And Karen's great. I mean, It's nice to be with a mature woman, someone with experience.
Gloria: So you two haven't slept together, huh?
Manny: She suggested we come here. I said fine. You don't know how relieved I was you guys were home. But then Mom was so cool with it. I mean, where's the crazy Colombian the one time I need her?

Jay: Joe?! You ready to talk?
Joe: [o.s.] For oatmeal raisin? Don't waste my time.

Jay: You okay?
Gloria: Joe is sleeping in a fort downstairs, and Manny's upstairs sleeping with a doctor. I don't know what the rules are anymore.
Jay: No one does, but for what it's worth, I think you made the right call.
Gloria: I am at least winning one of these fights.
Jay: Storming the fort?
Gloria: I'm gonna go and drag him out of there and put him in his bed. I'm still bigger than Joe, even though that Manny's, like...
Jay: Trust me. The little boy in Manny isn't gone yet.