Phil: [answers phone] Hello?
Claire: Oh, hi, honey! I've been out of cell range for most of the day. I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.
Phil: Oh. Great, great. The air, the, uh, the trees... Moss only grows on the north side of trees, right? I feel like I might be walking in circles. Is there something called, uh, fool's moss?
Claire: I don't know. You sound out of breath. Is everything okay?
Phil: No, Claire, I'm worried that a bear or even a family of bears is hunting me. Of course I'm okay. I've only been out here for a couple hours. Uh, uh, what kind of man do you think I am?
Claire: Well, it sounds like we're both having an adventure. I just got on a scale, and guess how much I weigh. 5 tons!
Phil: Yeah, well, we all put on a few around the holidays. Mwah! Let me call you back a little later. Meanwhile, uh, I am sending you a pic of me enjoying nature at my last known location in my very identifiable red Gore-Tex jacket. Anyhoo, leave a check out for the gardener, and you gave my life meaning.

Jay: But you like Karen, right?
Manny: A lot, but, I mean bad enough she's older than I am, she's also a movement professor.
Jay: I swear to God, before today, I'd never heard those two words together. Now it's all I hear.

Cameron: Glad you enjoyed the film, boys. Now you can be in one of your own!
Shane: What the hell are you doing?!
Cameron: My job. I guess I really am a vice principal. A Miami vice principal No, I guess it doesn't really need the "Miami," does it.

Lily: Finally! Where have you been?
Mitchell: I have been out walking Cal and guess who's right behind me.
Lily: Actually, I've been the one who-
Mitchell: Who will be going to Disneyland if she plays her cards right.

Cameron: Hey, Lily, the library is saying that "Stripey the Zebracorn" is two months overdue? What what's that about?
Lily: We have a new librarian, and she's a little... She's been drunk e-mailing a lot.
Cameron: Oh, that poor thing.
Mitchell: Lily, go find that book. And the fine's coming out of your allowance.

Claire: You didn't sound so good on the phone. I called the hotel, and they said you checked in early. Honey, I know I like to complain about people coming to me to solve their problems, but don't you dare not come to me with yours.
Phil: By the way, if you don't want people to come to you to solve their problems all the time, maybe don't be so good at it.

Claire: Uh... Only because I am picturing myself in a line of people sweeping the woods with flashlights, are you sure a week in the woods is a good idea?
Phil: Sweetheart, if anything, I'm over prepared. I have two weeks worth of food, water purifiers a flare gun.
Claire: Oh, don't wave that thing around in the house.
Phil: Give me a little bit of credit. I'm not gonna shoot off a flare gun in the house. [inflates air mattress]

Cameron: Today, I have to oversee my first detention as acting vice principal, and I'm I've just been racking my brain of how I'm gonna reach these kids.
Mitchell: It's, uh, detention. How about "shut up and do your homework"?

Mitchell: What's what's wrong with her? Should I get the hex poppet?
Pam: I'm just cry-talking. I threw my neck out changing Cal. Now whenever I move, all of me comes with it.
Cameron: Oh, gosh. Oh, you know what? Why don't you let us take baby Cal, and you go get yourself a rubdown.
Pam: You're an angel. Shouldn't be but a few hours.
Mitchell: [whispers] Hey, are you an even bigger rube than I thought? There's nothing wrong with her neck. [normal voice] Oh my God, the baby!
Pam: What?! [neck cracks] No! [pained whimpering]
Mitchell: He- He winked at me.

Gloria: Well, it's always very nice to meet one of Manny's teachers. Why don't I get us something to drink and maybe some delicious brownies that I was about to throw away because they're only for the good children!
Joe: Keep your brownies!