Claire: [aside to camera] The best part about taking over my dad's company: I am now a powerful white male, and I love it. I totally get now why we don't want anyone else to have what we have.

Mitchell: Cam, stay out of their business, all right? If we drop below three stars, we're gonna be stuck renting to chain smokers and pregnant foreigners trying to have their babies in America. Mark down the time. I just turned into my father.

Phil: Good morning, Madam President. May I introduce you to the ambassador of Java?
Claire: Oh, thank you. Because, after all, what is a travel mug but a closet for your coffee? And boom, our next promotional giveaway.
Phil: Wow. Throw on a black turtleneck and some mom jeans, It's like I'm married to Steve Jobs.

Jay: You know, these cheese cubes keep getting smaller every week. I should start saving these to prove my point. Wow, am I retired.

Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade

Gloria: It's there! It's beautiful!
Jay: A little revealing. I mean, I get using sex to sell your hot sauce. That's why I wore jordache jeans in my old closet ads. But a little much, isn't it?

Cameron: Okay, what is that all about? I mean, three adults? Why doesn't Tommy have a last name? Why doesn't Tommy talk? Is he their captive? Is Mrs. Wilkerson their captive? Is the captive in the trunk?
Mitchell: So there has to be a captive?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Lately, we've been getting negative reviews from some of our renters.
Cameron: Say it.
Mitchell: And they tend to follow the common theme that the "bigger one" is "nosy."
Cameron: While others say the "orange fella" is "standoffish and cold."
Mitchell: Who says that?
Cameron: I'm saying it now.

Phil: This grainy security footage is all the store sent?
Gloria: Mm-hmm. I feel like I know him, Phil.
Phil: Whoever it is, it looks like they want to get caught. He keeps going back for the cheese cubes.

Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: Oh, uh, just a little research.
Mitchell: "Wilkersons plus adults Tommy plus mysterious trunk." Okay, now try googling "irrational meddling plus homosexual."