Cameron: Remember our rules: no wedding talk, no Lily talk.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. No, you're right.
Cameron: So, just gonna... [silence] Should we hear the specials again?
Mitchell: We can't ask him a third time.

Shorty: You know what I might try when I'm down there? Surfing.
Jay: So it's gonna be a closed casket. My turn.
Shorty: What are you talking about? I just sunk the 3 ball.
Jay: Then you moved the cue ball with your stick while you were telling me how you were gonna move away from Southern California to try surfing.

Jay: You know what? I'm done here.
Shorty: No, I'm done. I will not have my integrity questioned here. I was a Marine. I served with guys who died.
Jay: Of old age! You never left the States!
Shorty: Are you saying I didn't serve my country?
Jay: Which one, America or Costa Rica?

Shorty: What's with you and Costa Rica?!
Jay: It's a terrible idea! You get into things without thinking, and you need to be rescued, like that time you bought that car that was supposed to turn into a boat! It turned into a reef!
Shorty: Yeah? That's 'cause you left your door cracked open!
Jay: Yes, it was my fault. Mark my words, Costa Rica is another amphibicar at the bottom of a lake.

Shorty: Thank you, Gloria. That was a lovely dinner. And you are an incredible woman for putting up with this gringo!

Phil: Hey, Brian, you're a young guy. Wha- wha- What do you want to do after this? What's your plan?
Brian: Yeah. Uh, to be perfectly honest, I'm probably gonna go home, watch a movie, and get high.
Phil: Oh.
Brian: You guys looking for something to do?
Claire: No. No.
Phil: No.
Brian: I mean, I think I got extra.

Manny: Uh, you have to face it, Jay. One day, I'll be moving out of this house.
Jay: Can I get that in writing? 'cause I just can't shake this image of a 30-year-old you eating my food and cuddling with my wife.
Gloria: Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers.
Jay: I'm gonna have nightmares!

Gloria: You pretend to be so tough. But you know what I think? I think that deep down, you're the most sensitive person in this house.
Jay: Pbht.
Gloria: Hmph. See? You did it again. I say something that strikes a nerve, and immediately, you cannot handle it. That's why you "Pbht" in my face!
Jay: We just found the one thing you can't make sexy.
Manny: There it is again.
Jay: I need a drink.

Gloria: Jay, you have to make this right with Shorty. You have to tell him how you feel! He has been a great compadre with you for many years. Besides, who else is going to laugh at your jokes?
Jay: Lots of people laugh at my jokes.
Manny: Name one person that doesn't work for you.
Jay: Hey, you know what? Why don't you two just go cuddle?

Claire: Do you remember how cute she was when she was little and she couldn't say her P's?
Phil: "Bake a-tatoes."
Claire: "Bake a-tatoes." And "Attlesauce."
Phil: "Attlesauce"!
Claire: "Can I have attlesauce?"
Haley: First of all, you're screaming. Can we just get the check, please?