Haley: No, you guys sit here acting like we're drinking buddies, judging me, when I have a better handle on my future than either one of you did at my age. You? You wanted to be a magician. And you were changing your major every three minutes, according to grandpa - who, by the way, has been drinking with me for years because he loves me, and he thinks I say funny things when I'm buzzed.

Cameron: Well, apparently, the situation in Syria is worsening.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: In fact, now UN evidence suggests that Assad was-
Mitchell: Are you reading this off your phone?
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: You're-
Cameron: No! No! I was just making sure my facts were straight before I started a spirited conversation of current events.

Brandon: Uh, Katie loves sharing food.
Cameron: Me, too. You know, I think it's growing up in a big family, 'cause everything at suppertime on the table was up for grabs. We didn't say grace. We said, "On your marks, get set, go."
Katie: You sound exactly like my dad. He was from this really big family in Missouri, and-
Cameron: Shut up! I'm a Missouri farm boy, myself!

Cameron: I'm Cam.
Katie: [in a rustic accent] Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam. This is Brandon.
Brandon: Hi. She doesn't really talk like that.
Mitchell: Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent like Kate Winslet in "Titanic". [chuckles] Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way.

Mitchell: To us, alone at last.
Cameron: We both look very handsome tonight.
Mitchell: You know, if you- If you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Cameron: I couldn't take that chance. I wanted to get off on the right foot.

Haley: No, no, no, no, no. What are we doing here? What is this about?
Claire: Nothing! We just wanted to have a fun night out with our daughter.
Phil: Yeah! Just think of us as your friends.
Claire: Yeah!
Haley: I don't have 45-year-old friends.
Claire: Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents yet, either, honey, so calm down.

Claire: [aside to camera] Haley has no plan for her future whatsoever. She's living in our basement, taking community-college classes, and, well, meandering.
Phil: So we're gonna take her out. We'll have some fun.
Claire: And then gently ease her into a friendly conversation about her future.
Phil: As opposed to the approach that we've taken in the past.

Darlene: We're moving to Costa Rica!
Shorty: Yeah!
Jay: What?!
Gloria: When?
Shorty: In a couple of weeks. The cost of living is so low down there, you know? We found this beautiful place on the water. It's got its own private beach. Bathing suits are optional.
Darlene: But encouraged. [points to Shorty]

Gloria: Ay, I'm going to miss you guys.
Jay: Don't worry about it. I give it three months, tops. You hate the beach. And you know how humid it is down there?
Shorty: I love the steam room at the club. It's the same thing, except I don't have to see you sitting there like a pile of melted ice cream.
Jay: 'Cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel.
Shorty: I'm just ready for an adventure. I want to try something new.
Jay: Stick around here. Pick up a check every now and then.

Gloria: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Jay: I think it's great. No, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm surprised, that's all. Let's toast this amazing new chapter of your lives. To mosquitoes the size of your fist.
Gloria: This is why all your friends move away.