Jay: [aside to camera] When Mitchell was born, he was a month premature. So it was touch and go there for a while. It's 2:00 AM. I walk out into the hospital waiting room to get some air, and there's Shorty. He'd been sitting there for six hours and refused to leave for the next two days. That's where we got Mitchell's middle name. Not Shorty, Vincent. "MVP". We were a little premature on that one, too.

Manny: What she's saying is, deep down, you're afraid Shorty's going to love Costa Rica, and you'll lose your best friend forever.
Gloria: That's what you do. You push people away, so when they leave, it doesn't hurt that much.
Manny: I don't get it. You're the greatest generation, but why can't you feel?
Jay: Why can't you spend your teen years locked in your bedroom like a normal kid?

Brian: Hi, there. I'll be your server for tonight. My name is Brian if you guys need anything.
Phil: What's your name if we don't need anything?
Brian: Patricia.
Phil: You're quick, Patricia!

Claire: Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh?
Phil: I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me. I mean I want his lips on my mouth.
Haley: Uh, can we just cut to the chase?
Phil: He's got great lips.

Claire: Is this what you're gonna do with your life, sleep late and take a selfie?!
Haley: Why are you always criticizing me?! Is this really how you want to start the day?!
Claire: My day started 5 hours ago.
Haley: I am under a lot of pressure!
Claire: How?! How?! You take three classes a week, and you miss half of them!
Haley: The parking is tricky!
Phil: Morning, sunshine. I saved you some lunch.
Haley: I get it, okay?! I'm lazy! God! [takes another selfie]

Shorty: You know what drives me crazy? Getting these customer-satisfaction calls during dinner. They change the oil on your car, they want a love letter!
Jay: I know. I'm waiting for a call from my doctor's office, "Please rate your prostate exam. Would you say you were satisfied?"
Gloria: I hope you weren't.
Jay: "I hope you weren't."

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell and I desperately need a romantic night out to reconnect.
Mitchell: Yeah. I don't- I don't know if it's the stress of planning a wedding, but we've been a little tense with each other lately, huh?
Cameron: Even our friend J'Marcus said how bitchy we've been.
Mitchell: What? When did he say that?
Cameron: Oh, at Pepper's party that night you wore those pants that don't fit you anymore.
Mitchell: Oh, right. And you brought that bad wine that everybody hated.
Cameron: See? We really need this.
Mitchell: We really do.

Shorty: You're calling me a cheater? You? The guy on the golf course who can't seem to count higher than 5?
Jay: Maybe I can't keep track of my shots because somebody won't stop talking.
Shorty: It is in my nature to comment on the bizarre and unusual things I see in the world, like that convulsion you call a golf swing.

Haley: [aside to camera] Look, I have no problem drinking. I can literally do it standing on my head. But, A, not with my parents, and plus, also, I needed to stay sharp, because they were obviously up to something, and I was in no mood. I barely got ten hours sleep last night. [sighs]

Haley: So this is what this whole night's about - the drinks, the pretending to be my friend?
Phil: We are your friend.
Claire: Honey, we care about you. And we want to make sure that you- You've got a plan, 'cause it seems like you're meandering. No. Sweetie, don't just start texting because you don't like the conversation.
Haley: Here.
Claire: What is this?
Haley: That's a blog that I've been doing. I'm really liking my photography, and people always say that they like the way that I dress, so I've been posting pictures of my outfits on this site. I know it's not a huge money-maker right now, but I do get money whenever someone clicks on a link and buys something that I wore. I'm gonna take a business class next semester, which I'm hoping will help me turn all of this into becoming a stylist. I have 1,200 followers. Most are women who want to know what to wear. Some are men who want to know what I'm wearing, but, you know, I'm trying to figure a way to block all of the pervs. So, yeah. I guess that is my plan.