Manny: I called the theater, and they have tons of tickets for tomorrow's show. And it turns out today's show wasn't sold out, either.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, not now.
Jay: Let him talk.
Manny: Mom, why'd you say it was sold out?
Jay: Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out?
Gloria: It was a mistake. This is not my first language. I don't understand English very goodly.
Jay: Don't play that card.

Mitchell: Milo, the ball's over here. Nah, nah. Doesn't count. It was out. Aah! Little too high for you, huh? Three bounces to the wall makes you a lo-ser, makes you a lo-ser. Final point. I get this, I win. Oh, sweet lord Jesus. Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner! Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam's gonna be doing drop-offs for a while.
Lily: We got a letter.

Cameron: I'm sure you're both wondering why I summoned you here tonight. I now present to you the "wow" factor.
Claire: Cam, I cannot believe that you went rogue.
Pam: Uncool. I am with Claire on this.
Cameron: You'll soon see why. Prepare your senses for dancing waters.
Claire & Pam: Wow.
Cameron: Factor.

Luke: All right. Close your eyes.
Mitchell: Why?
Luke: Just trust me.
Mitchell: Okay. [Luke throws the ball at Mitchell's face] Ow!
Luke: Never close your eyes on the court!
Mitchell: But you told me-
Luke: Don't let me get in your head!

Luke: Make a fist with your thumb on the side. Now bring your thumb to the front. Okay, now do it again. Ha! You just spelled "ass" in sign language.

Luke: Okay. Close your eyes. It's okay. We're off the court. [slaps the drink out of Mitchell's hand] You're never off the court!

Jay: There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange, mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke. Though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns. And more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own.

Cameron: I'm back. Okay, let me see, let me see, let me see!
Claire: [to construction workers] You guys are want to, um... [they put on their ear defenders]
Cameron: [loudly, high-pitched, o.s.] Oh, my God! I love it!
Claire: All clear. Okay so--
Cameron: [squeals twice] So good! It is so good! [squeals]

Haley: Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf, and the closet light's burnt out.
Phil: So just change it.
Haley: I can't reach it.
Phil: Oh, if only there was some magical way of getting up closer to the ceiling.
Haley: Okay, now you just sound like Dylan.
Phil: I'm saying get a step stool.
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. One thing at a time, okay?

Gloria: Ay, there he is. Manny, why did you have breakfast alone outside?
Manny: I felt like eating breakfast alfresco.
Jay: Does that mean he had his pants off? Because if I can't, he can't.