Alex: Okay, I was going to surprise you, but I can't wait anymore. It's a handmade mobile of great women in history! Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks! Ohh!
Haley: I just hope it goes with the theme that Dylan wants for the room. Are any of these women important in the fields of fire trucks or unicorns?

Claire: [aside to camera] Hendrix couldn't read music, Shaq couldn't make free throws, and I have a little trouble visualizing space and scale.

Haley: Mom, where do we start?
Claire: Um...
Gloria: Maybe Mommy just needs some cougar juice! What's wrong with me?

Claire: Alex, would you mind running down to the hardware store?
Alex: No way. I don't trust myself to drive anymore.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I signed up to be the student liaison for a visiting scholar on campus... Sir Kenneth Penrose. Yes, that Sir Kenneth Penrose. Rock star of the microbiology world.
[flashback:]
Alex: I know you must hear this a lot, but you're the reason I took up snooker. Do you still play?
Sir Kenneth Penrose: I've had to lay down my cue lately. I've been working for months on an Ebola vaccine. Just moments ago, I had a breakthrough. I can't wait to get to the lab and jot...
Man: Hey!
Alex: Aah! Whoa! That was my chemistry advisor. I would not want to be known as the girl who... Sir Kenneth?
Sir Kenneth Penrose: W-Where am I?
[present:]
Alex: You don't know the shame. Now they won't let me drive around anyone smarter than a sociology professor.

Haley: You know what else hit the ground today? Me. While I was bending over to pickup a doughnut off the floor! It was covered in dust balls, but I didn't care, 'cause I'm a disgusting pig monster.
Claire: Oh, honey, please. You're as... as beautiful as ever.
Haley: Tell that to MugScan.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: MugScan is a face-recognition program we use at work. It was really mean to me.
[flashback:]
Female Voice: Good morning, Wayne.
Haley: Wayne? I'm not Wayne, you jerk!

Haley: One of my shoes flew off in the fall, and I couldn't put it back on because my feet were so swollen.
Gloria: You know who makes a great shoe? New Balance. I wear them when I power-walk to Neil Diamond.

Jay: Great. We're sending beef smoke signals to a forest full of bears.
Mitchell: I'm sorry! I should've shared!
Cameron: Meanwhile, there is a sack full of hiking snacks just up the road! Brie, prosciutto, not to mention a wonderful maple-walnut butter that Gloria recommended on her Pinterest board.

Claire: It'll feel good to get something right today.
Alex: Plus, I wouldn't mind sticking it to some preppy, white jerks.
Gloria: Hey! That life comes with its own problems!

Cameron: You know, I think we can learn a lot from this guy, because it's not the... the bears out there that we're afraid of. It's the bears in our lives, the fear that keeps us up at night. And I think that's an interesting topic we can return to once I change into my "Fireside Chat" look.

Cameron: Go ahead, make fun of me. I like my outfits.
Phil: Why so many?
Cameron: Yeah, I guess when I was a kid, I realized I wasn't ever gonna fit in, so I decided to stand out. I embraced my flamboyance to let the world know their insults won't hurt me. Want to make a joke about me?
Go ahead, 'cause I'm in on it.
Phil: That's really beautiful, Cam. And you're not alone. Growing up, we were all insecure nerds in our own way.
Jay: I was cool. What? I thought we were sharing. That's very brave, Cam. That's good stuff.