Mitchell: Cam! Cam's the one, all right? Cam's the one I'm worried about. He's the one who's gonna be left behind.
Gloria: I rest my case.
Cameron: Well, I don't rest mine. Why do you think I'm the one that's gonna be left behind? I'm the belle of the ball.
Mitchell: Right there. That's the type of thing you should let other people say. About a woman.
Cameron: Nobody really cares about your political rants. Our friends don't want to hear about the Koch [rhymes with coke] brothers unless you're talking about a couple hot guys in a bathroom at a nightclub.

Gloria: Jay?
Jay: In here with the booze.
Gloria: Oh, ay. How are you?
Jay: Fine. Why?
Gloria: The school called, and they said that a mean boy made fun of you.
Jay: Shh! He can probably hear us from here. Kid had ears bigger than Stella's.

Gloria: Wait, wait! Wait! Oh! I'm in! Parking structure "C"!
Jay: You're excited about a parking structure? It's not even "A" or "B."

Jay: Wait a second. That new closet, what did I say it was called?
Gloria: You never said.
Jay: Damn it! That's why I need a grease pencil in the shower.

Claire: [aside to camera] Until now, I was always a full-time mom, so the girls never had a chance to see the other side of me You know, powerful woman in charge.
Phil: Yeah, 'cause we never get to see your tough side. [snorts, chuckles]

Jay: Anyway, uh, what do you need?
Erica: You can set up the paints, make the Kale smoothies, and wipe down the rabbit hutch.
Jay: On it. Margaret? Paint, smoothies, hutch.
Margaret: Got it.
Erica: Excuse me. Who's this?
Jay: That's Margaret, my assistant.
Margaret: I couldn't have children.
Erica: This is not how it works with parent volunteers.
Jay: You're already playing fast and loose with that term "volunteer," so what do you say?
Erica: As much as we don't like to use the word "no"-
Jay: And, by the way, if any of these little tykes start acting up, she's not afraid to get out the wooden spoon.
Erica: Jay, I know it's a little scary, but you're going to have to let her go.
Jay: I don't want her to go.
Erica: Margaret, just go. I'll distract him.
Jay: Come back.
Erica: Margaret, don't turn around.

Monty: Hey! There he is.
Phil: Hey... You.
Monty: How long's it been, Mr. Real Estate?
Phil: Well, you tell me, Mr. You.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I'm usually really good with names and faces, but I could not remember who this guy was. Fortunately, I found that one perfectly worded question can get you all the information you need.
[back:]
Phil: How's things?

Monty: How's the beautiful wife?
Phil: Claire's great. Yeah. Thank you so much for asking. How's- How's your situation?
Monty: Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'.
Phil: Mm-hmm.
Monty: Actually, I'm glad I'm running into you like this. My car just got towed, and my wallet and cellphone were in there.
Phil: Oh.
Monty: Could you possibly lend me some money for cab fare or-
Phil: Yes. Of course. How's, uh, $40 with a little extra in case you run into trouble? I want to make sure you get back to your house in, uh...
Monty: Time for dinner, I hope. [both laugh]

Manny: I'm with you, Phil. I choose to believe in the goodness of men.
Luke: You have a condom stuck to your shoe.
Manny: Oh.

Haley: Does that guy with the tattoos still work on the loading docks? When I was 15, he gave me my first catcall.
Claire: Pretty sure that was his last day.