Cameron: [blows whistle]
Mitchell: What was I supposed to do? I mean, he was all sad and pathetic and broken.
Cameron: Oh, well, yes, the perfect addition to any party. They are gonna be at each other's throats and ruin the whole night. Come on, Lily. Thanks to you, we are throwing the antisocial event of the season.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: No, I'm late and I'd like to leave on that.

Jay: Hi. I'm- I'm here.
Erica: Well, this is a special treat. I spy with my little eye a first-time volunteer!
Jay: Gloria had jury duty, so no chance I could get out of this by pretending to be racist? [chuckles]

Phil: Okay, men. Gather 'round. Teachable moment. Don't think of community service as a requirement. Think of cleaning up this park as an opportunity.
Luke: To get hepatitis?
Phil: To make the world a better place.
Manny: That's why I'm here. I already did my required hours.
Luke: That's a fancy way of saying you're a virgin.
Manny: Joke all you want, but this looks good on an application to NYU or UCLA or [pointing to Luke] KFC.

Attorney: Moving on, juror 15.
Gloria: Here. Ask me anything. I am an American.
Attorney: All right. When someone hires a lawyer, do you think they're more likely to be guilty?
Gloria: No.
Attorney: Thank you.
Gloria: When they play with their hair like he is, that's when I know that they're guilty.

Attorney: Your honor, we request dismissal of juror 15.
Gloria: Why? I'm very good at reading people. He is guilty. And, by the way, so is the guy that is behind him.
Judge: He's not even on trial.
Gloria: Well, then he should be.
Gloria: I don't know what you did, but you did it!
Attorney: Your honor.
Gloria: He's getting away.
Judge: Juror 15, you are dismissed.
Gloria: Ay! No, please, your excellency. I just want to do my part as a citizen.
Judge: Lady, you can stop acting crazy. You got out.

Jay: Hey, Joe! You want to- [Joe runs past him] I'm like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense."

Gloria: Well, you're the lawyer. When can I go to jury duty again?
Mitchell: Uh, you know, I have no idea. You're literally the first person who has ever asked that.
Gloria: I am so frustrated. This reminds me when I was a little girl in my village and we had no power.
Mitchell: Oh, this is the story about the TV set powered by the donkey, right?
Gloria: No, political power.

Gloria: What is the problem with inviting Majarcus and Roland?
Cameron: They had a horrible breakup.
Mitchell: Months ago.
Cameron: Gloria, what do you think?
Gloria: I think I need to know more before I adjudicate.
Mitchell: Adjudicate?
Gloria: When the skies were clear and the donkey was very strong, we would watch "L.A. Law."

Manny: Phil, don't give in to his hipster cynicism. I admire your childlike faith in people. And, Luke, answer me this. If this guy is such a con man, how did he know your dad was Mr. Real Estate?
Phil: Boom!
Manny: Someone give this kid a mike to drop.
Luke: Wow. You got me. I'm actually feeling a little dizzy because of that. My whole world view has been rocked. I'm just gonna sit down before I pass out. [sits down on a park bench featuring an advertisement for Phil's real estate business]
Manny: Pretty smug for a guy sitting on pigeon droppings.
Luke: Totally worth it.

Gloria: Let me see if I'm understanding this. So, you have known Radar longer, but Jemima is the fun one.
Cameron: Uh, yes, and kudos for really zeroing in on those names.