Erica: Jay, will you please put the craft table over on the hemp rug? No.
Jay: For a word you don't use, I'm sure hearing it a lot.
Erica: That's the craft table. You're holding the feelings table, where we talk about how we feel.
Jay: Hey, Mr. Table, I feel like breaking you over a hippie.

Gloria: We had no say in anything. But now I am an American, so I thought things were going to be different. I wanted to listen to testimony, look at the evidence, have somebody burst in with new information.
Cameron: Mitchell, guess what just happened.
Mitchell: You're home early.
Cameron: I have a two-hour lunch Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And summers off.
Lily: I'm beginning to get the low pay.

Alex: Oh, my god.
Claire: What?
Alex: Your pupil is the size of a nickel.
Claire: Oh.
Haley: It looks like half of you went to a rave.

Luke: Hey, Dad, remember that time you were getting ripped off?
Phil: You're still on this.
Luke: I took a picture of the guy and sent it to Mom. She swears she's never seen him before in her life.
Phil: Your mom could say that about anyone she met at a party with an open bar.

Phil: Sounds like someone could use another teachable moment.
Luke: Oh, I'm good, Dad.
Phil: Men, gather 'round. Teachable mo- Mother of..! Luke here still thinks I got ripped off, but if that guy wasn't legit, how did he know that Luke was my son?
Luke: Because I called you dad.
Phil: But how did he know that you used to be small? I get the problem with that one.

Gloria: Okay, that's it. Both of you sit down. I have reached my decision. Raymond is coming to the party. Yes! It's a smart precedent to set, because after what I heard here today, I think there is a big chance that both of you are going to be left out.
Cameron: Wow.
Mitchell: Uh, you know you're not under oath, right?

Monty: Hey! What the hell?
Phil: There he is! Mr. Full-Of-Garbage.
Monty: What are you doing?
Phil: Payback for turning a bunch of innocent kids into cynics by preying on my good nature and pretending you know me!
Luke: Yeah!
Monty: Phil, Dr. Monty Lemon. I delivered Luke.
Phil: Dr. Monty Lemon was thinner, had more hair, and was a good 15 years younger than you... Oh.
Luke: Oh, yeah. You're in my baby photos.

Gloria: How was your school day?
Joe: Best day ever 'cause Daddy was there.
Gloria: Really? Did you like Daddy being in school?
Joe: He made snacks, he read books, and now I call Tommy "Big Ears."
Jay: I'm glad that stuck.

Jay: Anyone there? Hey, a little help!
Tommy: Hello?
Jay: Tommy? Tommy, oh, hey. I'm kind of stuck here. Could you go get a grown-up?
Tommy: Sorry, can't hear you! [runs off]
Jay: Really? With those ears? I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. What do you want? Money? I got money! Go ahead, use the credit cards! You'll spend less than my wife.