Manny: It's bald on one side now!
Jay: It'll be fine! We'll just comb over some branches!

Gloria: You don't have to entertain her. After all, she's my mother.
Pilar: Ah, these used to be Glorita's favorite! She used to do headstands to get extra cookies. At least, she'd try.
Gloria: Yeah, but it's not easy! I mean, it's hard enough to keep all this right-side up! Imagine when I had to put it all right-side down!

Claire: I'm sorry. I I-I'm jealous.
Gloria: Ay, Claire. But you're beautiful, too, in your own way.
Claire: No. I'm not jealous of you. I am jealous of how your mother comes all the way to see you from Colombia, when my own mother won't even get on a bus from the almond co-op she lives on three hours away.

Pilar: Did you ever think maybe there's a reason she sends you that gift?
Claire: Yeah, 'cause she found something when I was 8 years old that I actually liked, and she hasn't thought about it since.
Pilar: Well, maybe she thinks about it a lot. Maybe she remembers a time when she made you happy, and she wants to go back there.
Claire: Well, now I feel terrible. The only thing I sent her was an e-card.
Pilar: We don't like to admit it but mothers never get over the day their daughters leave them. We never stop needing our little girls.
Gloria: I will never stop needing you, mama.

Haley: Wake up! He is not coming back! We need to change into our regular clothes and sneak out. Who am I kidding? My eyes are unforgettable.
Alex: I couldn't even hold on to a fake husband. I always thought you were the tough one to live with, but maybe I am.
Haley: Okay, they've breached the jelly bean moat. This is a problem.

Luke: Only 100 more yards. You're just aboot there! Can you see it?

Phil: It's so beautiful. It's so green. And, wow, those are high up there.
Luke: The mountains?
Phil: No, my shorts again. Would you mind giving them one last tug?
Luke: You're crossing the border.
Phil: Yeah, I know, and I feel bad asking, but I'm tasting cotton.

Boy: Body-fat scale?
Cameron: I wish I would've had one of those when I was your age. You're welcome.

Boy: Who's Robert Mapplethorp?
Mitchell: Actually, I'm gonna need that one back. Sorry.
Boy: That's okay. All I really wanted this year was a Puppy Pound.
Lily: Here. You can have mine. It's really fun.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen!

Manny: I thought Pritchetts never give up.
Jay: They know when to give up, which is its own kind of victory.
Manny: Unless...
Jay: What?
Manny: No, it's crazy. Unless...
Jay: Are you really gonna make me ask you again?