Mitchell: How could you? I trusted you. I defended you to my father, and you made me look like a fool! And all for what? Closets.
Jay: You mean the place that people start each day, choosing an outfit that gives them the confidence to achieve their dreams?
Earl Chambers: Or that magical space that turns a bonus room into a bedroom and a house into a home?
Jay: Well, thanks to cheap materials, your closets turn a house into a fire trap!
Earl Chambers: We pleaded no contest. That is not an admission of guilt.
Jay: I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.

Mitchell: It is great, it's just there's, um slight complication. It's for Closets, Closets-
Cameron: I don't like where this is going.
Mitchell: Closets-
Cameron: Don't say it.
Mitchell: Closets.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: What did you think the last word might be?

Mitchell: Look, I know that there's some history there, but can't we all just move on?
Cameron: Your father hasn't. He still crank calls Earl every year on the anniversary of the day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.
Mitchell: I really need this job.
Cameron: At least tell your dad first and spare him the pain I felt when I found out you were still getting your hair cut at Miguel's.
Mitchell: Wait, what did Miguel do to you again?
Cameron: He recommended a shampoo for thinning hair, Mitchell.

Dylan: Hey, Mr. Dunphy, can we have just a moment of your time?
Phil: Come on, now. How long have we known each other? We should be on a first-name basis. Better yet, a nickname basis, Vitamin D.

Phil: Hey, hon. Do you have a minute?
Claire: Just. I can't be late to work. We are unveiling a new closet today: the Trulhatten. It's Swedish, it's cheap, it's modern. We're gonna grab Ikea by the meatballs.

Claire: Haley and Dylan in her bedroom?
Phil: They're doing what they're doing. I say we be evolved about it.
Claire: Fine. If you're really okay with our precious daughter shacking up with her ne'er-do-well boyfriend, so be it.
Phil: I just don't want them sneaking around like we had to. The scariest moment of my life was that pantsless conversation I had with your dad through the Dutch door.

Jay: You know why he's doing this?!
Mitchell: Because I'm a good lawyer who handled a similar case for you last year.
Jay: He's doing this to mess with me! I was referred by another lawyer. I doubt Earl even knows about it. That Rolodex was full of A-list clients. Your Erik Estradas, your Fran Tarkentons, your Leslie Uggums.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, are these real names?

Brie: And they say by the end of the semester, we'll know how to sequence a genome.
Luke: I don't know about genomes, but on my father's side of the family, we do have a garden gnome. He uses a mushroom as an umbrella.

Cameron: Mitchell, you can't work for your father's rival.
Lily: Hey, wait. Why does grandpa have a rival?
Jay: Oh, who knows?
Cameron: Betrayal. Because 30 years ago, your grandfather's business partner and best friend, Earl Chambers, stole his Rolodex with all of his clients and started his own company on a day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.
Mitchell: Nobody calls it that.

Lily: [holding her cereal bowl by the spoon] Maybe we can use this to fix the loose tile in the bathroom.