Phil: [aside to camera] It goes without saying that the Butler's escape is one of the most challenging feats of escapology an illusionist can perform. It's- It's based, of course, on the well-known story of the Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy, who was imprisoned in the Tower of London, and as we all know, refused to take off his uniform when he was shackled. Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert slept, Percy freed himself and leapt over the sleeping guard, giving rise to the popular expression... [looks to Claire] "Percy jumped the Gert."

Phil: And watch your time. In the stage version, the rope's on fire, and you're suspended over a bed of nails.
Luke: I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
Phil: Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key that opens the vault of fear that holds the chalice of hope that contains the elixir of success. In a few short minutes- Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
Luke: I quit!

Phil: [aside to camera] Like his old man, Luke is a magician.
Luke: I'm taking lessons from some guy my dad found online.
Phil: He came personally recommended from the guy who runs the warlock conference up in Modesto.

Manny: Ocupado, big guy. Find another foxhole.

Gloria: Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you.
Jay: It's one night.
Gloria: No, I don't want to be without you, not even one night in my whole life. What can I make you?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: How about a little room on my side of the bed? I mean, I shouldn't complain. My wife's a knockout. But she's at that place in her pregnancy where, she's, you know ample. And the snoring. I swear in the last ultrasound, the baby was like this [holding hands to his ears and grimacing].

Cameron: Just call me if you need me.
Mitchell: I won't!
Cameron: And thank you for managing my expectations today. Not necessary.
Mitchell: I saw you practicing a bow last night.
Cameron: That was just in fun. You know, I highly doubt some teenagers are gonna throw rose petals at my feet.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: But I wouldn't be surprised if I got slow-clapped out of my first class.

Alex: Wrong.
Claire: I am thinking.
Alex: If you were thinking, you wouldn't have Seattle as the capital of Washington.
Claire: Oh. Yeah. It's Spokane.
Alex: Sure, which makes the 11th President of the United States "James K. Pslk."
Claire: Okay, Alex, stop. I'm trying to figure this out.
Alex: Buzz. Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia.

Claire: Tell you what. I will talk to dad-
Phil: Whoa! Talk to dad? That sounds serious. Don't do drugs. Stay in school.
Claire: Luke wants to quit magic.
Phil: That's not happening. Well, see you guys at dinner.
Claire: Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk about this?
Phil: What's to talk about? The kid's a natural. He has everything- the hands, the patter, the outfits.
Claire: Okay, let's play this out. Even if he is one in a million, what's our best case scenario here? He becomes, what-
Both: A professional magician!

Cameron: All right, young ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please. Let's settle down and let's say a temporary good-bye to your neighbor and to life as you know it, because here comes treble. That's right, my friends, we got treble, right here at Franklin Middle. I'm Cameron T., and that rhymes with "g," and that stands for "Good morning"!

Cameron: Okay, Mr. Namagachi isn't coming back, but there is somebody that I'd like to introduce you to. Don't know that you properly met. She's a good friend of mine, and she goes by the name of "music." And sometimes my friend music can be shy. [starts to play "Fur Elise"] Sometimes she can be angry! [starts to play Beethoven's "Symphony No. 5"] Huh? Sometimes she can be playful. [starts to play Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer"] And sometimes she can be downright a-funky! [electronic funky beat playing]
Luke: Train wreck.
Manny: There's no way he ran this past Mitchell.