Gloria: Who drank all the coffee?
Jay: Oh, I, uh, I had quite a bit of that. You know, I haven't, um, been sleeping too well. There's actually a funny story about what's causing that.
Manny: Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes your body is going through, and that nasal stuffiness is very common during pregnancy, but we got a crisis in this house. You've been snoring. But I got you these nasal strips. In the commercial, the old man's angry red sound waves turn a gentle blue.
Gloria: So I'm like an old man?
Manny: No!
Gloria: Like a dog then? A pig? What is it, Manny? I'm an old man, a dog, or a pig?
Manny: Jay, help me out here. You've heard it.
Jay: I don't know what the boy's talking about. If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny, I don't love it. Have a little respect for your beautiful mother.

Phil: Is everybody OK?
Claire: I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.
Alex: What was that?
Phil: Water heater, gas line, the training's the same, people. Just stay low and move out!
Claire: Honey, Luke's gone.
Phil: Claire, spontaneous human combustion is very rare.
Claire: I don't think he exploded, Phil.
Luke: The rope ladder works. At least someone followed protocol.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam took a job teaching music at the local middle school. Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.
Cameron: I'm excited for me, but I'm probably more excited for the students because a great teacher is a gift.
Mitchell: Hasn't started yet.
Cameron: I have to tip my hat to my High School music teacher, a real force of nature who was also the defensive coordinator for the football team and supervised calf birthing for the animal husbandry club. Doris Olson. Great lady.
Mitchell: Lady.

Cameron: Okay, Lily's drop-off time is between 8:45 and 8:50, so you should be fine to get to work by 9. Here is her checklist for her backpack.
Mitchell: Uh, wow.
Cameron: Oh, I have this whole thing planned. Okay, I'm gonna walk in, take off my jacket, and say, "Here comes treble."

Cameron: Okay, what else? Oh! The dimmer came in for the switch, so I want you to call the electrician, but not Brad. Remember? We had a problem with him last time about the billing.
Mitchell: He wanted his name above the title?
Cameron: Yes, you've done that joke before. So cute. So funny.

Lily: Daddy always parks in the back of the school.
Mitchell: I know, sweetie, but, uh, those spots were all taken.
Lily: Because we're late?
Mitchell: No, we're, like, a minute late, and that's 'cause of traffic.
Lily: And because I tipped over. You didn't snap my car seat right.
Mitchell: Okay, well, it certainly didn't hurt your memory any.
Mitchell: All right, here's your lunch.
Lily: You spilled it!
Mitchell: Oh! Why is the top open?
Lily: Daddy always zips it for me.
Mitchell: Maybe you should zip it.
Lily: I heard that.

Alex: Well, there's this girl at school, and she got pregnant.
Claire: No.
Alex: I know. I've been trying to help her, but with all the pills she's taking, she kinda lashes out.
Claire: Oh, honey, this is too much for you to take on alone. Where are the parents?
Alex: They're no help. Dad's all consumed with his plastic surgery business, and her mom's an ex-model who's trying to launch a music career.
Claire: You're describing the show I was just watching, right?
Alex: I'm just saying, mix in a book every now and then.
Claire: Mean! Mean!

Mitchell: I gotta tell ya. Uh, I've just been watching how you've done things all these years, and I just perfected it.
Claire: Oh, please, Mitchell!
Cameron: Claire?
Claire: Cam, he was every bit the failure you were. He was late picking up Lily. She was in with the custodians. The only thing he had less to do with than dinner was the dimmer. And her hair was in braids because there was gum in it. [Cameron hugs Mitchell] And why are we hugging?
Cameron: Because I know if he called you for help and heard as many insults as I know he had to hear, then he had a worse day than me.
Mitchell: Oh, she was horrible, Cam.

Jay: Gloria.
Gloria: You told me that you were in Frisco, and you were here in a hotel?
Jay: Let me just say one thing. Don't say "Frisco." They hate that. And how the hell did you find me?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: The house has been a little noisy lately, and the school library is a pickup scene. So where does a kid go for some peace and quiet?
[cut to Manny reading in the hotel lobby]

Jay: You ready to go?
Gloria: I was thinking, it's such a shame that this hotel room is going to go to waste.
Jay: I like where this is headed.
Gloria: [grabs hotel key card] Make Manny some pasta. I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?