Cameron: So now let's form an orchestra made up of my favorite instruments, your beautiful bodies.
Luke: Gettin' creepy.

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, dad. How's Frisco?
Jay: My meetings ended early. I didn't even have to spend the night. And don't say "Frisco." They hate it when you call it "Frisco."
Claire: How do you know what they hate? You've been there two times in your life.

Jay: [on the phone] Anyway, I haven't slept in a week. Gloria's snoring like a water buffalo.
Claire: Aw. Well, she's pregnant. It's uncomfortable. What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30?
Jay: We're not doing this again. How do I bring it up?
Claire: Well, for starters, you don't. You suck it up. Dad, your hot wife who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with a baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do.
Jay: I'm just so tired.
Claire: It's a small sacrifice compared to what she's going through. Poor thing, what with the extra thirty, thirty-five, forty, forty-five?
Jay: We're done.

Mitchell: [on the phone] So how was it? How was the big debut? Was it a comfortable ride around the schoolyard on the shoulders of the children?
Cameron: Well, I stood and delivered. Thank you for sarcastically asking.

Cameron: [on the phone] Oh, well, I should probably let you go. Keep your eye on Lily. She has a tendency to wander off.
Mitchell: Cam uh, wh-wh- I'm- I'm totally capable of-
Cameron: You lost her, didn't you?
Mitchell: No. No, no, no, no. No, she is right next to me. Hi, honey.
Cameron: I can hear it in your voice. Look in the dairy case.
Mitchell: Cam, do you honestly think that I would lose-
Cameron: The doors don't pull. They slide.

Mitchell: So tell me more about the kids.
Cameron: Well, it was as I predicted, you know. They just needed somebody to come in there and bring music back to life. And, you know, that person was... That person was... It's not me!
Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: It was a disaster, Mitchell. They hated me! Not just the kids, the teachers. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. I had to sit alone.
Mitchell: Oh, honey.
Cameron: And my sweater, the shop teacher spilled juice on it. He said it was an accident, but it wasn't an accident.

Mitchell: We just need some time to settle into these new roles.
Cameron: You were right to lower my expectations.
Mitchell: I just wish I had lowered mine.
Claire: This gonna work its way around to a "thank you," ladies?

Gloria: [on the phone] Surprise! I'm in San Francisco!
Jay: What?
Gloria: I dropped Manny at a friend's and, I know it's crazy, but I hopped on a plane and I'm here! I'm driving to the hotel.
Jay: That is so great. The thing is, honey, I'm not here right now. See, I'm, uh, I'm out at dinner. Probably won't be back for, um... Oh, I don't know. A couple of hours.
Gloria: It's okay. I'll wait for you there.
Jay: Don't be silly. How often do you get to San Francisco? There's so much to see there. I mean, here. Ghirardelli square? Fisherman's wharf? Alcatraz? Hey, take that segway tour. That's a great way to see the city. And when you get the chowder, make sure it's one of those bread bowls. You can eat the bowl. Yeah, it's a story you'll tell for a lifetime.
[As Jay emerges from the elevator, Gloria is standing there. She slaps him across the face]

Phil: It's just hard, you know? It's the first time he hasn't shared one of my interests. It's scary to think that this is the start of us growing apart.
Claire: Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase. Alex is going through something right now. I wish I could figure that out.
Phil: I can't breathe.
Claire: Anxiety.
Phil: No, no, I'm- I'm fighting the jacket. The key to this escape is balance. The whole thing is based on the idea of opposing forces holding each other in check.
Claire: That actually makes some sense.
Phil: Some sense? There are two things I know with dead certainty: how to shoulder roll out of a human pyramid, and the black arts of the Butler's escape.
Claire: No, honey, our house is out of balance because Alex is missing her opposing force.

Gloria: Tell me right now if you're having an affair, and we will find some time later for me to kill you.
Jay: No. I'm just trying to have one night away from your snoring.
Gloria: You came to a hotel to sleep?
Jay: I'm exhausted, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're huge and you're loud. It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh. And I didn't want to bring it up because I figured you'd get mad at me the way you got mad at Manny.
Gloria: I am not mad at you because you told me that I snore. I am mad at you because you didn't say anything.
Jay: 'Cause I didn't want to get yelled at.
Gloria: Well, too bad. When you're married to me, you're going to get yelled at many times. And you're tough enough to take it. That's what I love about our marriage. We can say whatever we want, but the next day, we're still there.
Jay: That's what I like about it, too.