Mitchell: Whoa, Lily! Oh, not so high!
Danielle: Oh! That is a big moment for her.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Danielle: Would you like a videotape?
Mitchell: Uh, you know, I don't- I don't know if I can actually get her to do it again, so...
Danielle: Well, we tape all of our classes. We don't like parents bringing cameras in. It takes them out of the moment. I'll get you a copy after class.
Mitchell: That's super. Yeah. Thank you. [going to Cameron] Cam. Cam, let's go. I-I don't know what's happened to me, but I just stole a baby's intellectual property.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: You'll see it tonight on the news. Let's just go.

Danielle: Oh, look who's here, Anton and Scott!
Anton: Hi! Sorry we're late!
Scott: Don't look at me. The eye candy here can't leave the house without spending 20 minutes in front of the mirror. [laughter]
Cameron: Are you kidding me?
Mitchell: I am so sorry.
Cameron: Look at those queens. I would have killed with this crowd, but you had to clip my wings, which you used to be the wind beneath.

Jay: [aside to camera] His son's sitting on a curb, waiting to go to Disneyland, and Superman can't drag himself away from a craps table. And I'm the jerk.

Jay: Say, listen. I, uh... Sorry, but I got some bad news.
Manny: What?
Jay: Your Dad couldn't make it.
Manny: Why not?
Jay: The plane was full, and this old lady needed to get home, so he gave up his seat.
Manny: You're making that up, aren't you?
Jay: No.
Manny: He just didn't want to come.
Jay: Are you kidding me? He was very upset. He was dying to see you. In fact, look what he sent.
Manny: A limo?
Jay: Yeah! He wanted me and your mom to take you to Disneyland.
Manny: I told you he was an awesome dad.
Jay: Yeah, he's a prince.

Claire: Desiree just moved in down the block.
Phil: Fun. Where?
Desiree: 314.
Phil: Oh, the two-bedroom cottage with the indoor/outdoor family room.
Desiree: Very good. How did you-
Phil: Bet you're loving that steam shower.
Claire: Phil, that's creepy.
Phil: Oh, sorry. [laughs] I'm a real-estate mogul. What?! No, I am a real-estate agent. Um, we caravanned that house. Great, uh, deck.

Desiree: I'm just there till my divorce is final.
Phil: Now, who is coconuts enough to divorce you?
Claire: We got to go, but we'll see you around.
Phil: Well, we'll have to have you over sometime.
Desiree: I'd love it.
Phil: All right.
Desiree: Bye.
Phil: Bye. [to Claire] She's awesome.
Claire: No, we are never having her over. I heard she already slept with two dads from the school.
Phil: What? That's... horrible.

Phil: That still looks like a girl's bike.
Claire: Well, we'll add more black tape.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: My son has been riding his sister's old bike.
Claire: Until he's responsible enough to take care of his own bike. Look, he spilled a soda on my computer. He ruined our digital camera taking pictures of himself underwater.
Phil: It's a girl's bike. I'm all for teaching him a lesson, but I worry about the ridicule he might get from some loudmouth bully.

Jay: Hey. Nice bike, sally.
Claire: Dad!
Jay: Come on. He looks like little bo peep on that thing.

Jay: Hey, I called that place in Napa and got us upgraded to a villa with a hot tub, so pack whatever you wear in a hot tub.
Gloria: I usually wear nothing when I'm in a hot tub.
Jay: And my college roommate's wife just had to get a new hip. [laughing] Sucker.

Phil: So, listen, buddy. Certain members of this family don't think you can take care of this bad boy.
Luke: You mean mom?
Phil: Your words, not mine. Look, uh, your mom and I are a team, And she- We feel like this is a chance for you to show some responsibility. Don't make us look like jerks here.
Luke: I won't.
Phil: Okay. One more rule.
Luke: What?
Phil: Have, like, three buttloads of fun.