‘The Bicycle Thief’
Season 1, Episode 2 - Aired September 30, 2009
Gloria pushes Jay to spend time with Manny, but they both have places they would rather be. When they start daycare classes with Lily, Mitchell wants Cameron to tone down his personality. Meanwhile, Phil insists Luke is ready for a bicycle of his own.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Cam, come on. Hurry up. We're gonna be late.
Cameron: It's a toddler play class, not a flight to cabo.
Mitchell: We're gonna be judged enough as the only gay parents there. I don't want to be the late ones, too. Wow. Paisley and pink. Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?
Cameron: Obviously not. I'm wearing it underneath. Kidding. Just chill, please.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I just want to make a good first impression.
Cameron: You mean you want to fit in and not terrify the villagers?
Mitchell: No, hey, come on. Today is about Lily, all right? Her future best friend might be in that class, and I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way. Can you please just change your shirt?
Cameron: Fine. You know what? I'll just go put on a pair of khakis, maybe a polo shirt, and everybody will think we're a couple straight golfing buddies who just decided to have a kid together.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: [aside to camera] In Colombia, there's a saying: if you have two stubborn burros that don't like each other, you tie them to the same cart. The ceiling fan is the cart.
Quote from Jay
Manny: My dad's taking me on space mountain. It's supposed to be really fast, but he's not scared of anything. He doesn't even wear a seat belt when he drives.
Jay: Wow. How about that?
Manny: He killed a bear once.
Jay: Really? Was the bear sitting in the passenger seat?
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Ten minutes after making a promise to me, he leaves his bike unlocked. All I can hear is Claire's voice in my head, [high-pitched] "He's not responsible. You never should have given him a bike." [normal voice] I know. I do a pretty good Claire. So I decided to teach him a lesson and let him think his bike was stolen. And I know that sounds kind of rough,but sometimes it's a dad's job to be the tough guy.
Quote from Mitchell
Helen: Seven months?
Mitchell: Uh, eight.
Helen: Oh! Is she grabbing or scooting yet?
Mitchell: Y- Yes, absolutely. I mean, when she's not grabbing, she is- She is scootin'.
Quote from Cameron
Danielle: Dance us in, Lily!
Cameron: Okay, I got this.
Mitchell: Cam, just-
Cameron: Yes, I know. Tamp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.
Mitchell: No slapping your own butt.
Cameron: But that's how I make my horsey go.
[after a restrained dance:]
Cameron: Thank you.
Mitchell: That was very good.
Cameron: I feel dirty.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No. No way. Not while my wife is still alive.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Makes me so happy to see my two boys working together.
Manny: Jay shocked himself twice.
Jay: Okay, Manny.
Manny: Well, I warned him.
Jay: Yep, he's been a big help.
Gloria: Look at you two with your private jokes already. You're a regular Salazar and El Oso.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: It's a very big comedy team in Colombia. El Oso is always hitting Salazar in the head with a ladder and things. And sometimes they wear dresses. They make you laugh, but they also make you think.
Quote from Phil
Luke: It's just a scratch, dad.
Phil: That's not the point, Luke- What?
Luke: I scratched it on my way into the driveway. I'm sorry.
Phil: So it's not stolen?
Luke: No. Why?
Phil: That's good, 'cause... there are bad people out there who would steal a bike. Those are thieves. You sit there and think about the scratch part. That's not good, either. [tripping] Gonna fix that step. So don't scratch anything while I'm gone. Unless it itches, that's different.