Claire: Honey, do you think you're nervous because you've got a little crush on Mr. Jarvis?
Alex: No.
Claire: Are you sure? Because I've seen the way you look at him-
Alex: Sounds like you're the one with the crush! I've just never had a teacher not like me before.
Phil: Well, Ms. Davis.
Alex: Please. She's a gym teacher. She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to medicine.
Claire: And to think she didn't like you.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a stress blinker, um, and what really gets me going is confrontation. I hate it. I-I avoid it at all costs. Terrible at it. Once, I, uh, I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn't know I had broken up with her. Twenty years later we're still married.

Claire: [aside to camera] Every new generation thinks they have cracked the code on child rearing. What's the latest theory? "Never say no." I say "no" every day in this house.
Phil: But at night, she's a "yes" machine.
Claire: No.

Mitchell: No, you have no idea what it feels like to be fired.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I've been fired. Everyone has.
Mitchell: Not me.
Cameron: Never?
Mitchell: No. Nope, I've always been very good at what I do.
Cameron: So then maybe what you're feeling is a little insecure about your work for the first time.
Mitchell: That's hogwash.
Cameron: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.

Jay: I'm anxious to hear what you think. I see it growing on ya. It's like Maxine when she first tried it. You know, she-
Gloria: I don't like it.
Jay: You probably didn't get all-
Gloria: Jay, I try it. I don't like it.
Jay: That's all you can say?
Gloria: It tastes bad in my mouth. It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.
Jay: Okay, fair enough. Maybe a little picky, though, from someone who prepared a Colombian specialty and said, "Why are you not eating the hooves? They're the best part."

Phil: It's living art. We stay perfectly still for 90 seconds, basically doing nothing.
Skip Woosnum: Sounds like my first wife.
Matt Keneally: I don't know. She always moved for me.
Phil: As long as you both agree it was only 90 seconds. Two nerds with one stone! I love working in an office.

Alex: [aside to camera] My art teacher acts like I don't exist, but I have one last chance to impress him at our year-end art fair. A few students are doing living versions of famous paintings. I've chosen this one, and I'm using my own family. Brilliant, right? When I told him, he said, "That's nice, Alice." It's been a year. Alice? Really?

Claire: You? What's your problem?
Luke: Nothing. I'm just excited for tomorrow.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm getting a medal at school because I put out a fire at school. Maybe that's what I should be when I grow up. A professional medal getter.

Phil: "Mitchell, "I can't tell you how hard- How hard this-" No, that's- No, it's not personal enough. [Haley sneaks in behind Phil's back] Okay, okay. "I can't tell you how hurt and angry this makes me, but you've been late too many times. I'll need your keys."
Haley: Daddy, no! I'm so sorry!
Phil: Honey, I didn't hear you come downstairs. You couldn't sleep, either?
Haley: Uh, yeah. No, there's just, like, a lot on my mind with graduation, and what to wear. How does this look?
Phil: Wait a second. You're carrying your shoes. How am I supposed to judge the whole outfit? Put 'em on.

Jay: So make sure you give this menu here a good, thorough reading.
Gloria: Soup.
Jay: You didn't even look at it.
Gloria: Soup.
Jay: Check out what's below the soup. Sandwiches.
Gloria: Have you check out what is below this outfit? This doesn't come from sandwiches.