Haley: Hi. I'm looking for my sister. She has brown hair, dressed like a nerd, but not ironically.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I don't wanna talk about it. I had killed with that song at three amateur productions two gay weddings and a two-hour gate hold on a 747 but I could tell the audience thought that I had sabotaged Kaplan to grab the spotlight and my confidence caught in my throat like a three-day furball. I couldn't have stunk up the place worse if I'd performed in a litter box.

Claire: Oh. I thought you were Alex. She didn't get in.
Phil: Oh, no.
Claire: Stupid Harvard.
Phil: "Stupid Harvard"? She didn't get into Princeton either?
Claire: No, just Harvard.

Claire: Do we have to keep every remote we have ever owned? Somewhere in a landfill, a laser disc just ejected.

Phil: Good morning.
Alex: Hey, Dad. I hate to shame you but Haley woke up before you.
Phil: Well, Haley didn't run a 10K yesterday to raise awareness for alopecia.
Luke: What's alopecia?
Phil: That is why I run.

Claire: Honey, I could really use your help with spring cleaning today. I got to get all these boxes down to the donation center.
Phil: Wish I could, but I've got work. Then Luke and I have got some important trampolining to do.
Claire: I just love how equally we divide our responsibilities.
Phil: Figured we'd do a little father-son bonding since your school trip was canceled.
Luke: Oh. You can teach me the Dunphy tuck.
Phil: [chuckles] I love your enthusiasm, Son but it's way too dangerous. One wrong move, and you're eating springs.

Gloria: Ay, Cam, no dessert for you?
Cameron: No, none for me. I have to fit into a skintight cat costume tonight because I'm gonna-
Gloria: Whatever you do behind closed doors is your own business.

Gloria: Ay, maybe I come see you. I need to find something to watch since I had to give up my soap operas.
Cameron: Oh, because you've been neglecting Joe?
Gloria: No. It's because I asked Jay to stop smoking cigars and he said that he would quit if I stopped watching the soap operas. But it's very hard.
Jay: What's so damn hard? It's the same thing every week: amnesia, evil twins, two ladies end up fighting in a fountain. I mean, what is it? Is it some sort of an escape?

Gloria: But she looks like she's just doing the bunny ears behind her girlfriend.
Mitchell: Which is exactly what she would do to get a secret signal past the authorities.
Cameron: Okay, it's a scout camp, not Leavenworth.

Haley: Based off the walk I just took side-boob is the new butt crack.