Alex: Wait. What if I have a taste for it now? Am I gonna start doing stuff like that all the time?
Haley: Calm down. You just did one bad thing.
Alex: Two. I skipped my cello lesson today. Wasn't even where my teacher lives.
Haley: You ditched a class?
Alex: Well, I didn't have time to practice because of lacrosse and debate team and-
Haley: Do you even like playing the cello?
Alex: Yeah.
Haley: Alex.
Alex: I hate it.

Haley: So quit.
Alex: I've never quit anything.
Haley: You never broke into a school before but just did that.
Alex: No offense, but the family's hopes and dreams are kind of pinned on me.
Haley: I'm just saying, is that no one would blame you if you stopped being so perfect. It actually would take a lot of pressure off of me.

Claire: Phil, I'm just not sure you understand why I said what I said.
Phil: There are qualities about me you wish you could change but you can't, 'cause I'm all grown up but it's not too late for Luke.
Claire: All right. Honey, there are a hundred things about Luke that he gets from you that I absolutely love. It's just this this one tiny part that I'm sure if I could just get in there and just-
Phil: Claire, he's a great kid. He's gonna be fine.

Cameron: Just admit it. You want Lily raised by anyone but my family.
Mitchell: It's just so far away from everything she knows. And then there's the crazy aunts and the frozen cows.
Cameron: Oh, please. In the last hour, your father publicly shamed Manny, dropped me from the sky while his wife drilled holes in our baby's head.
Mitchell: Which is why I think we should revisit Claire and Phil.
Claire: Where are my keys?
Phil: We left Luke alone in a parking garage!
Mitchell: We don't know the whole story.
Cameron: Don't we?

Phil: Oh, buddy. You must have been so scared.
Luke: No.
Phil: What happened?
Luke: Well, I knew you'd come back.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Luke: Then you didn't. So I had to go find a phone. That's when I saw a stray dog, and played with him for a while.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Luke: Then I thought I saw Mrs. Morgan, my first-grade teacher going into a church. It wasn't her, but there was a wedding there and that's where I met the Litvaks.
Phil: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Congratul-tov.

Jay: Knock it off, Manny. We both know you could get up that wall. Now, why are you trying to get out of this trip?
Manny: I'm not. I'm excited to go.
Jay: Manny.
Manny: Okay. I have some concerns about the shower situation.
Jay: Oh. Because?
Manny: Well, I'm pretty much at my target weight.
Jay: That's good.
Manny: But the thing is, I haven't quite reached my target height.
Jay: Got it. First of all, you don't have to go. I'll write you a note. We'll plan on doing something fun this weekend.
Manny: Really?
Jay: You bet.
Manny: And you're not mad at me?
Jay: Look, if you were a different kid, I'd give you the speech. You know, "We all have insecurities. You've gotta be brave here." But let's face it. You're already about the bravest kid I know.
Manny: I am?
Jay: Come on. You wear blazers to school. You play the pan flute. You- You read poetry to girls. I couldn't even talk to girls when I was your age. Shower thing's nothing compared to all that. But whatever you decide, I'm behind you. [Manny reaches for the radio] No. I got that set up just right. I told you about that before.

Cameron: Jay said that?
Manny: Yeah. And he wasn't drinking or anything.
Cameron: So what are you gonna do?
Manny: I think I'm gonna go. I mean, if Reuben can go with that extra nipple...
Cameron: I'm proud of you, Manny. You're doing the right thing.

Mitchell: I mean, what were you thinking, Gloria?
Gloria: Ay, Mitch, I said I was sorry. But I had them since I was two. Huge ones.
Phil: What is she-
Claire: Earrings, Phil. Earrings.

Claire: I don't mean to ruin this really beautiful moment but were Phil and I even considered for the position?
Phil: Claire.
Claire: I mean, we are the parents of three healthy, well-adjusted children.
Phil: Honey, we need to go down to the police station. Our daughters just vandalized the school.
Claire: This is not over.

Gloria: Let's go see your new room, Liliana.
Mitchell: No, that's not her name.