Mitchell: [aside to camera] While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think.
Cameron: Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight men. Both the same gender.
Cameron: Then you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight women. Both attracted to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? No.
Cameron: Nothing.

[montage of people reading "Phil's-osophy":]
Claire: "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."
Phil: See?
Alex: "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
Jay: "Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail."
Gloria: "You can tell a lot about a person from his biography."
Luke: "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
Manny: "If you love something, set it free, unless it's a tiger."
Mitchell: "If you're ever in jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache."
Phil: "When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, 'what?!'"

Claire: [aside to camera] Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
Phil: Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air Bud", Especially when I give her this. "Phil's-osophy." A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, such as "Always look people in the eye, even if they're blind." Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'" or "If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea." Phil's-osophy.