Jay: [singing] Oh, Danny boy The pipes The pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone And all the roses-
Manny: You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.

Gloria: That's it! How is she supposed to see this? If you give me a message this tiny, I kill you.

Gloria: That's it! You insult a woman's driving and you use the air bunnies. You do that to me and I kill you.

Manny: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I can't take it anymore! Okay, it's not singing, it's screaming. Mom, I love you. But for the love of God destroy that thing before it destroys this family! [to Jay] Coward.
Jay: I think you sound great. But if it bothers the kid-
Manny: Coward!

Jay: [aside to camera] One time I forgot to get Gloria a birthday present, and I paid for it. Another time I remembered, but she didn't like the gift. I paid for that. So you'd think when I remember to buy her a gift, and she loves it I wouldn't have to pay for it, right?
[cut to Gloria using a karaoke machine:]
Gloria: [singing] Just call me angel of the morning, angel Touch my cheeks before you leave me, baby Call me angel of the morning Yeah

Cameron: So that was Andrew, who practically choked telling me that no one had called in their regrets for the event tonight. It is gonna be a full house!
Mitchell: That must feel great.
Cameron: Oh, I never thought I would enjoy having an archenemy. But I do, Mitchell. I do.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Yes, I put Cam's invites in my car to take 'em to the post office and then threw my gym bag on top of them and completely forgot they existed. Ugh, I feel terrible. Haven't been to the gym in six weeks. And I ruined Cam's event.

Manny: It is impressive how much Haley's earning. She has over $500 already. That's a lot of cheddar.
Alex: Why is everyone acting like she's the first 17-year-old to have a job? In other cultures she'd have two kids already and they'd have jobs.

Gloria: How stupid are you? You tell me that you're seeing an old girlfriend and I-
Phil: Kill me, I know.

Jay: You two seemed fine this morning.
Claire: Well, we were because we talked about it. Which, by the way, if you want this whole karaoke thing with Gloria to go away, that's what you need to do.
Jay: That's easier said than done.
Claire: Oh, since when do you shy away from confrontation? Mr. Tough Talk. Mr. Straight Shooter. Gettin' a little soft, Grandpa?
Jay: You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.