Haley: Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously. When my daughter has her first Shark Week, we're just gonna laugh about it. That's what girls want. I mean, it is bananas what happens down there every month. Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills. Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied.

Haley: Hey, bitch.
Lily: [o.s.] Haley's here?!
Haley: That's right. And cheer up. You're missing the whole silver lining in all of this. A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card for everything. Didn't study for a test? "Oh, wah. I have cramps." Don't want to go to gym class? "Sorry... lady problems." Wanna eat a whole sheet cake? Shut down a bad date? Smuggle some weed into a concert in your tampon box? Ain't nobody looking in there.
Lily: What is wrong with you?!

Mitchell: What is going on with her? She's been so moody recently, screaming one minute, crying the next.
Cameron: You know what? I think I know what this might be.
Mitchell: Oh?
Cameron: She had a volcano due in science class today, and when I was her age and had a big project, I'd get stressed out and act just like this. You know, I still have nightmares about my War of Northern Aggression diorama.
Mitchell: Okay. What did we say when we got married? Never go to bed angry and you have to call it the Civil War.