Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Phil: [aside to camera] Sweet potato fries!

Luke: Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.
Phil: What's up?
Luke: The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil: Juice fast?
Luke: I'm pretty sure he said "Jew."

Claire: Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Officer Blevin: This zone is for loading and unloading, not for talking on the phone.
Claire: Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Officer Blevin: Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
Claire: N-no, I'm not.
Officer Blevin: Wow.
Claire: You know what? I do want to do some unloading. I know your type. Life has been bad to you. It has made you feel small. And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit, a toy badge and a little spongebob tie. Suddenly it's payback time, right? Well, I got news for you, "Law & Order: Special Parking Unit," [rips ticket] not my fault.

Gloria: Jay, look at this. It's ruined. Stella did this. She chew on my shoe! You have to discipline that stupid dog.
Jay: I discipline her all the time.
Gloria: Oh, really? How? By buying her little cupcakes?
Jay: They're not real cupcakes. They're doggy treats in the form of cupcakes.
Gloria: Yeah, you should have told that to Manny before he ate one.
Jay: Oh, come on. His coat never looked better. [laughs]