Claire: I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would keep our decorations more "family friendly".
Alex: We can't even carve a pumpkin?
Claire: The petition was very specific.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Every Halloween, we have the best house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But, apparently, it was too scary for some kids. And one adult.

Phil: I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart attack.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?
Claire: Uh, yeah, sure, but-
Phil: It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic.
Now they can get away from all that, and see a nice house.
Claire: What do you mean, I'm not even scary?
Phil: I literally almost scared the life out of a man. You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam has lost a lot of weight. No. So we're throwing a Halloween party to debut the new him.
Cameron: I'll be dressed as a matador.
Mitchell: Wh- What is it now, 30?
Cameron: 32.4.
Mitchell: Ah.
Cameron: So I've lost Lily.
Mitchell: Where is Lily? Hmm? Do you- You don't have her?
Cameron: No. Why would I have her? I don't have her in my pocket.

Lily: What about the tiara?
Mitchell: Uh, we didn't buy one. You can just use the one from last year.
Lily: Are we poor?
Mitchell: No, sweetheart, but you don't need two tiaras. How 'bout next Halloween you try a different costume?
Lily: No. I have to be a princess.
Mitchell: Every year? Why?
Lily: Because my mom's a princess, just like you told me.

Mitchell: Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing about Lily wanting to be a princess again? Well, I-I think it might be because I let her believe her mother was-
Cameron: This is a nightmare.
Mitchell: It was just a mistake.
Cameron: More like a disaster. They sent the matador costume in your size, and the bull costume in mine.
Mitchell: Oh. I didn't notice. Now no one's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume.

Cameron: Why is she so obsessed with princesses?
Mitchell: Well... Like we weren't at that age? I mean...

Jay: I'm not mad about the ticket. It's just the first time I couldn't charm my way out of one of these things.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: The way I see it, it's not a ticket. It's a conversation.
[flashback:]
Jay: No offense. You don't need that siren. You could stop traffic just getting out of that squad car.
Police Officer: License and registration, please.
Jay: I, uh I'm no stranger to the police academy myself. Seen all seven of them.
Police Officer: Sir, no one's seen all seven. Is this information accurate?
Jay: Yeah. Uh, except for the weight. I thought they wanted to know how much I could curl.

Phil: Which brings us back to our formal dining room. Now any questions?
Boy: Can we have our candy now?
Phil: Just as soon as we go over what you're gonna tell your parents. Now what was our style?
Kids: Pre-war craftsman.
Phil: Good, good. And how many square feet?
Kids: 3,500.

Claire: Still no trick-or-treaters?
Alex: Not yet.
Claire: Well, maybe people are going out later this year.
Alex: Well, the street's full of kids, but they're actively detouring around our house.

Claire: Who wants some candy? Plenty of name-brand family-friendly candy right here.
Father: It's a trap!