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Not in My House

‘Not in My House’

Season 1, Episode 12 -  Aired January 13, 2010

Claire finds a dirty picture on her laptop and thinks Luke was the one looking at it. Meanwhile, Gloria is unhappy with Jay's dog butler statue, Barkley, and Mitchell feels Cameron is too interested in helping people.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What'd he say?
Cameron: Something "house" something.


Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, this man is in crisis. He could have a family health issue or a personal health issue or a financial matter.
Mitchell: Stop. You're getting all this from "something house something"? Let's just call Gloria and have her deal with it, okay?
Cameron: "It" is a human being, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Named Caesar Salad.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, you- you always do this. It's like you're incapable of hearing anyone's sad story without making it your job to fix it. And then, my needs- My needs come second.
Cameron: Your needs right now are a puppet show. This man could have lost his brother in a cable car accident.
Mitchell: You understood "casa."

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Is Manny ready?
Jay: Didn't you get the message? He's not going.
Mitchell: What?
Jay: Ah, some mandatory cleanup at school.
Mitchell: What's the real reason?
Jay: It's a puppet show, Mitch.
Mitchell: All right, it's just you and me then, Lily.
Jay: How's the little fortune cookie?

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: I'm a little cranky. I got into it with Gloria a little bit.
Mitchell: Oh, no. What happened?
Jay: Ah, she hates Barkley. It's the same stuff I went over with your mom all the time. "Get rid of the boat." "Get rid of the motorcycle." You know, I liked those things.
Mitchell: Why do you have to get rid of it then?
Jay: You know, actually, I don't. Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here. His hand came off.
Mitchell: Rough day, Dad. Your hot, young wife doesn't like your doll.
Jay: Yeah, unlike your big problem, "My boyfriend's too nice to people."
Mitchell: No, see- mmm- that's not all it is. He helps animals. He's always volunteering for things. Trust me. It-lt's worse than it sounds.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Did you draw on my poster?
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Haley: Oh, sorry. I don't follow the WNBA.

Quote from Alex

Luke: [aside to camera] I was the one who read Haley's diary. I was playing on her computer and it just opened. Okay, I opened it. But I didn't mean for anyone to fight.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You know, I was never gonna enjoy the show without you, so-
Cameron: Oh. But you were so excited to take Lily to see the Russian marionettes.
Mitchell: Oh, she's probably a little young anyway. We can just prop her in front of the dryer for a half hour. Listen, Cam, I-I love that you try and help the world, and I'm very lucky to have you in my life.

Quote from Claire

Haley: [to Luke] You know, I'm gonna kill you.
Claire: Haley, calm down.
Haley: Wait, you're not even gonna yell at him? That was private.
Claire: Oh, please. The most shocking thing in there was your spelling.
Haley: You read it too?
Alex: Am I the only one who hasn't read it?
Claire: I was looking through the computers in the house for pornography.
Haley: Sick.
Claire: Not for me. I wanted to see what you guys are looking at.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Yes, I'm a caring person. And without Mitchell, I would just keep giving and giving and giving. I'm like a big runaway charity truck and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel. He knows how to say no. He always can put himself first. He certainly can turn his back on someone suffering. Um-
Mitchell: No, really. Keep going.
Cameron: He-
Mitchell: Don't keep going!

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