Mitchell: What'd he say?
Cameron: Something "house" something.

Cameron: Okay, this man is in crisis. He could have a family health issue or a personal health issue or a financial matter.
Mitchell: Stop. You're getting all this from "something house something"? Let's just call Gloria and have her deal with it, okay?
Cameron: "It" is a human being, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Named Caesar Salad.

Mitchell: Cam, you- you always do this. It's like you're incapable of hearing anyone's sad story without making it your job to fix it. And then, my needs- My needs come second.
Cameron: Your needs right now are a puppet show. This man could have lost his brother in a cable car accident.
Mitchell: You understood "casa."

Mitchell: Is Manny ready?
Jay: Didn't you get the message? He's not going.
Mitchell: What?
Jay: Ah, some mandatory cleanup at school.
Mitchell: What's the real reason?
Jay: It's a puppet show, Mitch.
Mitchell: All right, it's just you and me then, Lily.
Jay: How's the little fortune cookie?

Jay: I'm a little cranky. I got into it with Gloria a little bit.
Mitchell: Oh, no. What happened?
Jay: Ah, she hates Barkley. It's the same stuff I went over with your mom all the time. "Get rid of the boat." "Get rid of the motorcycle." You know, I liked those things.
Mitchell: Why do you have to get rid of it then?
Jay: You know, actually, I don't. Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here. His hand came off.
Mitchell: Rough day, Dad. Your hot, young wife doesn't like your doll.
Jay: Yeah, unlike your big problem, "My boyfriend's too nice to people."
Mitchell: No, see- mmm- that's not all it is. He helps animals. He's always volunteering for things. Trust me. It-lt's worse than it sounds.

Alex: Did you draw on my poster?
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Haley: Oh, sorry. I don't follow the WNBA.

Luke: [aside to camera] I was the one who read Haley's diary. I was playing on her computer and it just opened. Okay, I opened it. But I didn't mean for anyone to fight.

Mitchell: You know, I was never gonna enjoy the show without you, so-
Cameron: Oh. But you were so excited to take Lily to see the Russian marionettes.
Mitchell: Oh, she's probably a little young anyway. We can just prop her in front of the dryer for a half hour. Listen, Cam, I-I love that you try and help the world, and I'm very lucky to have you in my life.

Haley: [to Luke] You know, I'm gonna kill you.
Claire: Haley, calm down.
Haley: Wait, you're not even gonna yell at him? That was private.
Claire: Oh, please. The most shocking thing in there was your spelling.
Haley: You read it too?
Alex: Am I the only one who hasn't read it?
Claire: I was looking through the computers in the house for pornography.
Haley: Sick.
Claire: Not for me. I wanted to see what you guys are looking at.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Yes, I'm a caring person. And without Mitchell, I would just keep giving and giving and giving. I'm like a big runaway charity truck and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel. He knows how to say no. He always can put himself first. He certainly can turn his back on someone suffering. Um-
Mitchell: No, really. Keep going.
Cameron: He-
Mitchell: Don't keep going!