‘New Year's Eve’
Season 4, Episode 11 - Aired January 9, 2013
Jay is excited to take the whole family away to celebrate New Year's at his favorite hotel in Palm Springs. When the hotel isn't all it was cracked up to be, everyone heads out to do their own thing, leaving Jay to slink off to his hotel room. Elsewhere, as Haley and Alex look after Luke, Manny and Lily, they realize the boys are growing up quicker than they thought.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Oh, look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure he'll fit right in.
[Cameron and Mitchell sneak in after the man. They immediately leave]
Cameron: Okay. Okay, no judgment. Perfectly acceptable lifestyle.
Mitchell: Just not for us.
Cameron: [high-pitched] No!
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Okay, but we are not giving up, all right? We're like Goldilocks. The first bar was too young, the second was whatever that was, and the third will be just right.
[Three larger men walk by]
Cameron: Mitchell! Three bears.
Mitchell: I mean, right? Here. This one.
[Mitchell and Cameron enter a classy bar filled with older men]
Cameron: You wanted to feel young.
Mitchell: And I do.
Quote from Haley
Becca: Can't you do this later?
Haley: Excuse me. Does your mother know you're here?
Becca: Yes.
Haley: Does she know our parents aren't?
Becca: ... Yeah.
Haley: Big pause, no eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. You're out.
Luke: No, she's not.
Haley: Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13-
Alex: 14.
Haley: 14, and unless Nicole Bitchie here wants me to call her parents and tell them she lied I better go.
Quote from Jay
Eleanor: Aces and eights.
Billy Dee Williams: Lady sings the blues. Three Jacks.
Jay: Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on Prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas? Straight to the queen.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Mmm. So, was it worth my meltdown?
Phil: It always is. Just you and me, under the desert sky. I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... of Arabia.
Man: Hey there.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Man: Sweet. You're the first ones here. Welcome.
Claire: Uh, welcome to what?
Man: To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer?
Robby: No. I told them.
Phil: Robby.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Nude Year's Eve? You said Nude Year's Eve.
Phil: It's clever.
Robby: Yeah.
Man: We're the Palm Springs nudist association. It's how we celebrate the new year.
Claire: I can see.
Man: Fresh. Like newborns.
Robby: Naked.
Phil: Yeah. I got that.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: I love this car so much!
Jay: Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee?
Billy Dee Williams: A surprise that's gonna blow your mind. And just call me Billy.
Jay: Not doin' it.
Quote from Cameron
Waiter: And these are from the gentlemen at that table over there.
Mitchell: Oh, free drinks. More free drinks. Thank you. Thank- They can't hear me. Thank you!
Cameron: This is what models must feel like.
Man: Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you you look like a young Van Johnson?
Mitchell: Oh, no. That- That's so sweet, though. Thank you.
Cameron: Mm. Free pass?
Mitchell: Pull up Van Johnson on your phone. I need to know how I feel about that.
Cameron: He was gorgeous. You're fine.
Quote from Phil
Claire: And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's underwear. I'm not kidding.
Cameron: Ew!
Mitchell: I love this story.
Phil: Almost as good as yours, Van Johnson.
Claire: Oh, my God!
Cameron: Oh, look. Here comes Jay. I feel bad he missed all this fun.
Mitchell: Hi, dad.
Jay: Look, they're back. My devoted family. Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams.
Billy Dee Williams: Hey, hey.
Phil: Oh, my God, it's Lando. Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy. I'm so starstruck right now.
Billy Dee Williams: Well, you must be Mitchell. Jay told me all about you.
Quote from Phil
Jay: How's your chicken Kiev?
Mitchell: It's really good.
Cameron: It's very good.
Claire: Tasty.
Phil: Yeah, tastes like Russia.