Manny: Hey, Jay, this is what I'm wearing for golfing tomorrow. Wanted to give you a heads up in case there's some overlap.
Jay: What are you going for here?
Manny: Matt Damon in "Bagger Vance." You didn't get that?
Gloria: I did. I think you look just like him.
Manny: It's the whole reason I asked you to teach me to golf. Any sport where you can wear this, I'm in.

Phil: [aside to camera] In my 20s, I went on a game show and won a lifetime supply of razor blades.
[flashback:]
Chip: Okay, Phil, time is up. What is your answer?
Phil: 3.14159. [buzzer sounds] Oh!
Chip: I'm sorry, Phil. The correct answer is banana cream. Banana cream.
Phil: Banana cream. Well, you got me there, Chip.
Chip: But you're not leaving empty-handed, no. You're going home with a lifetime supply of Genesis twin-blade razors.
Phil: What?! Two blades in one razor? Man, it'll never get better than that!

Manny: Would you bet $2 on that one for me, Jay?
Jay: Sure, but you are throwing your money away.
Javier: You both are. The winner of the race will be number seven, My Hometown.
Jay: Number seven. Well, he's carrying 3 extra pounds, and he hates the distance.
Javier: Those are just words on a page. I look the horse in the eye, and he tells me he is the winner.
Jay: Tells ya?
Javier: Perhaps this will sound crazy.
Jay: No need for the qualifier.
Javier: But I have always been able to see into the soul of a horse. It is a gift, and I do not question it. Just like I always end up on the shortest line at the bank.

Mitchell: It looks ridiculous. Mine is a distinguished professional award given to me by my peers, and yours was given to you on a pier.

Cameron: Okay, well, for your information, when I won this, it was a very big deal. I cut a ribbon at the grocery store and signed autographs. "Best fishes, Cameron Tucker". [chuckles]

Phil: Uh, I don't wanna bum you out. My doctor did some tests and said he'd call if something was wrong, and he called this morning.
Gloria: And what did he say?
Phil: I don't know. I missed the call. Now I can't reach him.
Gloria: [gasps] The black mouse.
Phil: What?
Gloria: In my dream. It was a bad omen. But probably not for you. [gasps] The staircase. No, no, no. You're fine.
You're fine.
Phil: Am I? Get this. Fifteen years ago I won a lifetime supply of razor blades. They ran out today.
Gloria: [gasps, does the sign of the cross, spits]
Phil: What's with the spitting? Are you warding off death?
Gloria: No. When I did I think I suck in a little bug.

Gloria: "Maria bought a beautiful white dress for her wedding."
Haley: Um, Maria compro un hermoso vestido blanco para su- I-I'm sorry. I cannot concentrate with him here. What are you doing?
Phil: Just taking it all in. [kisses Haley on the forehead] You're a beautiful, intelligent woman, and don't you ever forget it.
Haley: Wow, he is so weird sometimes.
Gloria: No, he's not weird! He's a saint! And you will miss him when he's gone. One day!

Alex: What's that?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam's old fishing trophy. Yeah, when I woke up this morning, that's where I found it.
Alex: Right after you got yours?
Mitchell: Thank you!
Alex: Oh, my God. Welcome to my world. Last week, I got this beautiful plaque from the debate team for outstanding achievement, and what did my mom do? She found one of Luke's "participant" ribbons and a certificate Haley got for showing up somewhere on time, and put all three of them together on the same shelf! It's, like, so unfair!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I was so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with every single thing I was feeling, which made me realize... That I was acting like a 14-year-old girl.

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's my rock. You know when you're on a plane and there's turbulence, you look at the flight attendants, and if they're still smiling and serving drinks, you know everything's gonna be okay? That's Claire. I could also picture her as a cop.

Jay: Yes! I knew it! You see that, Manny? Dumb luck always runs out. But if you live in the real world, and you use your head, not have it in the clouds like Dr. Dolittle there, you'll do okay.
Manny: Guess we should have listened to Jay on this one, dad.
Jay: You got that right. You should have listened to Jay. And I'll tell you something else. You can't look in a horse's eyes and tell there's something wrong. You can't even look in their eyes at the same time; one's here and one's here!