Higgins: Ah, Mr. Dunphy! How are we this evening? [notices Phil's wearing the handcuffs]
Phil: Not so good. I'm in a tight spot with my lady. You know what might help? One of those- One of those luxury baths.
Higgins: Ah, get yourself out of some hot water by getting her into some.
Phil: Wow, so good.
Higgins: Might I suggest the Michael Buble bath?
Phil: You are a mind reader.
Higgins: I'm not a mind reader, sir. I've just been in the bath-buttling business since the early '90s, despite my fresh face, so I tend to know what these situations need.
Phil: I'll get the water going.
Higgins: As you wish. Same price either way.

Phil: Oh, good. You're back. How's Claire seem?
Higgins: I'm sorry?
Phil: You must have seen her out there. Is she mad? W-what's she doing?
Higgins: Uh, she's dusting, sir.
Phil: Oh, she always cleans when she's mad. Do me a favor. Bring her a drink and tell her to get comfortable on the couch.
Higgins: She's- She's allowed on the furniture, is she? [chuckles]
Phil: She's my wife.

Mitchell: Come on, I have a surprise for you. Oh Yeah, I-I've been thinking we need to stop being so uptight. We are in Vegas. Let's have a little fun.
Cameron: Well, I'll have to wrap my head around that, but okay.
Mitchell: Now, I have just the way to kick it off. Something we could do together. It's a little extreme, but I think it might be just what we need.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Go on in.
[Cameron walks into the bathroom where Langham is in the tub enjoying the "techno bath" experience]
Cameron: Are you crazy?
Mitchell: Oh, come on, Cam, we deserve this. All right, you get started, and then I'll jump in when it starts to heat up.
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: Come on. Then I will throw you into it, tiger. Rub a dub dub. Dear, no.
Cameron: Langham.
Langham: Both of you? Huh. Well, okay.

Cameron: You want to tell me how you "accidentally" gave someone your key?
Mitchell: You want to tell me why you spent all day sipping Tequila out of some guy's navel?
Cameron: You saw that?
Mitchell: I guessed.

Claire: Hi, guys. What's going on?
Mitchell: Hey, Claire. Can you please just come back?
Cameron: We're in the middle of an argument.
Claire: Oh. Bet I know why.
Langham: Are you guys getting in the bath?
Claire: Or I'm way off.

Jay: Gloria, hurry up, will you? He's on his way up. I need to shave. [to Langham] Oh, you're here. Jay Pritchett. Thanks for stopping by. Nice robe. Like Hef, back in the day. I'm gonna cut to the chase. I like your lifestyle. I want a taste of it.
Langham: Well, s-sure, that's flattering, but-
Gloria: Okay, the bathroom is all you-
Jay: Gloria, it's Burt Tanner!
Gloria: That's not Burt Tanner, that's Long-ham.

Phil: If you will, raise it above my head and pinch it at my wrists. Go ahead and make it good and tight. Don't be easy on me. Okay. Now As the lowly caterpillar becomes the majestic butterfly, as the tiny acorn becomes the mighty oak, so, too, do we complete our metamorphosis.
Ducky: So, it's The Governor's Bluff.
Phil: Well, it's a huge twist on The Governor's Bluff.
Ducky: Eh.
Phil: No, no, no, no, no! There were other elements. You just kind of threw me off. I forgot- I was gonna- As a flourish I was gonna use one-
[A small smoke bomb goes off. Gloria then emerges from the bathroom wearing Rebarka's maid outfit]
Gloria: Hola.
Ducky: That's amazing. You lull me with this- With this hacky quick change, and the whole time, you're changing the fake dog into a hot maid? It's brilliant! It's magic!
Phil: No, that's metamorphosis!

Jay: Like you, Burt, I enjoy the finer things. [knock on door] As a matter of fact, that's probably the Cuban I ordered for you.
Gloria: Hola.

Phil: Rasputin's dalmatian drowned in the Volga.
Ducky: I thought he was allergic to dogs.
Phil: You're thinking of Merlin. And it was peanuts.

Jay: [aside to camera] My friend Burt Tanner runs the hotel. He comped us a few rooms because we sold him some closets for his high-roller suites. Zebrawood, heated sock drawer, the works. Hey, luxury bathroom, it's me, lowly closet. Watch your back.