Phil: He was around here last night. He apparently went off with a girl from this neighborhood. We just haven't been able to reach him since.
Mumford: Do you know the girl's name?
Manny: No. Uh, something Latin-y.
Gloria: What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y.

Gloria: Ay, Phil, are you okay?
Phil: Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation why Luke would abandon a make-out session. No, there isn't. A Dunphy man would never do that. We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders, but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting!

Gloria: You have to stay positive. Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn.

Cameron: Yeah, but I, uh, I'm just asking, but was imagining it more fun?
Mitchell: Well, it was warmer.
Cameron: You know, I like looking forward to things. Carly Simon's big hit was "Anticipation", not "Remember That Cool Thing We Did".

Max: Good morning, gentlemen.
Cameron: Hi.
Mitchell: Max, how'd you sleep?
Max: Oh, I love crashing here! This is just like college staying up too late, passing out on the couch, mean Asian chick down the hall.
Mitchell: Yeah. Where is Lily?
Cameron: I don't know. S-School, maybe?
Lily: I'm right here.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought was a tour of pottery cafes, so I don't remember much about it, but I do remember thinking he was the funniest person I've ever met. And we told him if he ever came into town, that he had to stay with us. And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes because I remember being really, uh, paranoid that he didn't like me.

Max: You two, get out of here. I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast. Oh! Oof. Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg. [laughter]
Mitchell: Oh, come on! [whispering to Cameron] I feel like he was funnier in Europe.
Cameron: Yeah.

Cameron: Mitchell! Look!
Mitchell: Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine? I uh- We were saving this for the perfect occasion.
Cameron: Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed. Who does that? Just drinks somebody's most expensive bottle of wine without asking? Okay, it's a hate crime.
Mitchell: How is it a hate crime?
Cameron: Because I hate him.

Max: I'm gonna go, okay? But, guys, don't defer enjoyment, 'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it. I say, make every night special.
Mitchell: Okay, well, that's a that's a fun philosophy, but not everyone can follow that, okay? 'Cause- 'Cause we have responsibilities. We have- We have budgets. We have a daughter, you know. Where is our daughter?
Cameron: I don't know. Backyard, maybe?
Mitchell: Maybe.

Manny: Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood.
Phil: Tell you what, if it makes you feel better, we'll go down there and look around for him.
Manny: We're gonna need backup serious backup.
[cut to Gloria stepping out the car with Phil and Manny:]
Gloria: Okay, be cool. I used to live in this neighborhood. If you act tough, nobody will mess with you.
Bearded man: Hey! Would you like to try a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone?
Gloria: What?
Bearded man: Free sample. You can get a larger one down at our stand. We also refurbish tubas.
Gloria: No, thank you. What happened to my neighborhood?
Bearded man: Have the best day.
Gloria: White people with beards they ruined everything.