Gloria: Joe, you should be thankful that you live in this country. I spent half of my childhood in a Banana Republic. It was the only store in my village that had air-conditioner.

Dylan: Haley? What are you doing here?
Haley: Well, you tweeted you were working, the water tower's in the back of your Instagram story, and you just left a Yelp rating for that falafel place around the corner, so I figured out where you were. Could you please stop being so obsessed with me?
Dylan: Wait... what?
Haley: That thing that you said at the hospital? How if a person felt lucky to be in a relationship, that means that they couldn't really be happy? Obviously, you did that to try and ruin what I have with Arvin, because you're not over me.
Dylan: I seriously don't know whether to laugh or check you for a spider bite. I'm sorry that you're questioning your relationship, but it's not my fault.
Haley: Just admit it! You said that to try and get back with me.
Dylan: Look, in my heart of hearts - which does not exist, by the way - yeah, I still think about us. We were great.
Haley: Aha!
Dylan: Nuh-ha! You're the one who drove across town, paid $12 for parking and then an additional $2 for the yellow wristband for beer and medical tent access. It sounds like you're the one who's into me.
Haley: You're crazy.
Dylan: There's no crime in wondering if we might still be good together. I still see us together in my mind's eye... Which, by the way, doesn't exist.
Haley: I can't hear it again. [kisses Dylan] Diagnosis, nothing.

[flashback:]
Haley: Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Dylan: It's okay. I don't think we ever really got each other. Like, you know how when you and I used to go to concerts, we used to just look at each other and know...
Haley: It was time for me to get on your shoulders and throw my bra at the drummer. [both laugh]
Dylan: Like, you probably have that with Arvin, right?
Haley: Definitely.
Dylan: That's awesome. With my wife, she's pretty and smart and a doctor. But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are. Right?

Manny: [aside to camera] Things were going great on my cross-country drive until I fell behind schedule after I developed a perfectly rational, fact-based fear of driving over bridges. I called Cam for support since he taught driver's ed, but he wasn't around. Turns out a strong verbal lashing was exactly what I needed to get me across that bridge and the many others that cover this country like a cancer.

Phil: [aside to camera] I wasn't talking about Luke. The clicking was in my jaw. My old TMJ injury was back, thanks to all the training. I got it in college when I bet my roommate I could out-Frisbee-catch his golden retriever. And guess who wo... Aah!

Joe: Oh, no. Has it been a year already?
Gloria: ♪ You're a grand old flag, you're a high-flying flag ♪ ♪ And forever in peace may you wave ♪
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: We love the Fourth of July.
Jay: It's the perfect holiday. You get to cook outside, blow stuff up, wear shorts. Easter should be taking notes.
[back:]
Both: ♪ Keep your eyes on the grand old flag ♪
Joe: That was longer than I remember.

Jay: [on the phone] Yes, Mr. President. Yes, sir, I'd be honored to, sir. Thank you. [hangs up] Amazing news. The grand marshal for today's parade just got #MeToo'd, and they need me to fill in.
Gloria: [gasps] Oh, Jay, I'm so happy for you! So, now the only thing left on your bucket list is to bare-knuckle fight a Russian!

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have been watching my big-for-his-age nephew Cal while my sister Pameron is... is back in Missouri paying off a little debt.
Mitchell: To society. She's in prison.
Cameron: For a tiny parole violation. She tried something on in a store and accidentally walked out.
Mitchell: It was another woman's purse.
Cameron: The silver lining is, Cal is benefiting from our parenting experience. Mitchell is molding young Cal's brain while I handle the young boy's body.
Mitchell: It's a miracle we're not in prison.
Cameron: Yeah.

Cameron: Okay, here's the thing. Football camp started when Cal came. Then I was laid up because of that dinner at Absolutely Crabulous.
Mitchell: Well, don't worry. I've been slacking on my end, too.
Cameron: Yeah, but I've been telling Pam that Cal is thriving here. We can't send her a video of him reciting his AB6s!

Phil: [aside to camera] For the first time ever, Luke and I are taking part in the sport of kings, the savory science. We're teamed in a parent/child hot-dog-eating contest. We've been training for weeks, and I'm proud to say that Luke, like his old man, is blessed with a dogger's mouth.