Phil: I got here as quick as I could. Please tell me this is good news. [liquid gurgling] Please tell me that's oil.
Pete: Found a sewer line running straight through the property. Also, a water main, and for some reason, giant pockets of methane.
Phil: Talk to me, Pete.
Pete: I feel like I just did.
Phil: How much is it gonna cost?
Pete: Money-wise, you're looking at mid-six-figures.
Phil: When you say six, does that include the two-cent figures?
Pete: No. Plus, time-wise, you're looking at maybe a year delay with permits and utilities, environmental-
Phil: Stop talking to me, Pete.

Phil: Oh, my God, why is Jay here?
Pete: I called him, too.
Phil: He'll shut this whole project down if he sees this. Put some plywood over the hole. Tony, do what you can to cover the methane smell. Everybody else, just look busy. How could this happen? I had a ladybug land on my shoulder today.

Manny: This is a lot to cover in four hours. Let's start with everything you know about George R.R. Martin's masterwork.
Haley: Well, I know this guy dies, there's lots of boobs, and I want to say a spaceship?
Manny: This will go a lot faster if you don't talk.

Cameron: Okay, this is crazy. I don't need an MRI.
Mitchell: The doctor ordered when you told her you could taste colors in a French accent.
Cameron: Oh all right. Well, I don't even do a French accent.
Mitchell: I didn't say it was a good one.

Bobby: Guys, we usually try to move the head injuries along.
Mitchell: Yes.
Cameron: Okay. Well, it's it's just so small.
Bobby: It's bigger than it looks.
Cameron: See, there's nothing wrong with my brain, 'cause I have three funny comebacks to that.
Mitchell: Cam, come on, let's listen to, uh, Bobby. He knows what he's talking about.
Cameron: I don't think we can really trust anything a grown man named Bobby says.

Cameron: Okay. Uh, Robert, hi. Can I have question. So, listen. I know this is a giant magnet, and I have a lot of fillings. Are they just gonna fly out of my head?
Bobby: That never happens.
Cameron: Okay. Um, I'm also on an iron supplement. Is that...
Bobby: An issue? No. Let's just get you on that table, huh?

Mitchell: Actually, Cam, this is very peaceful.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was a torture chamber. I was in there one minute, and I cried.

Ira Glass: "This American Life," I'm Ira Glass. Today's program "Puppy Love." We'll hear the story of a man who met his soul mate through a lost schnauzer, a beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon, who, for one week, was mayor. And we start with Act 1, a search-and-rescue collie looking for his owner, who was buried alive for 18 days.
Woman: After drinking his own urine for a week, Horace Laughton could no longer ignore the terrible truth he was running out of oxygen.
Cameron: H-help. Help! Help! Get me out of here! Hey! I will kill you! Ohh!
Mitchell: Cam, come on, this is serious.
Cameron: [panting] Oh, my God. I can't breathe. I need air. I need air!
Mitchell: [scoffs] I'm sorry. He is being such a baby, huh?
Bobby: There's a camera in there. I watched you cry.

Haley: Oh, my God, this is so confusing. So, the little guy from "Elf"
Manny: Tyrion Lannister.
Haley: Whatever. I don't know actors' names. Is he Jaime's brother or Cersei's brother?
Manny: Both Jaime and Cersei are brother and sister.
Haley: But they were just doing it in the tower. That is so twisted. [gasps] Go on.

Alex: Guys, the craziest thing just happened. I went in there with a list of demands.
Gillian: And weaseled your way to a promotion.
Alex: No, trust me n-nothing is going to change. But while I'm staring at it, would one of you guys mind taking out this trash at some point?
Mason: Heil, assistant manager.
Alex: No, no, no, no, no! This is good for all of us. Now we have someone on the inside me. A-Dogg.
Mason: More like Adolf.
Alex: I-I-I think you're really minimizing that atrocity.