Claire: [aside to camera] I have to be very delicate with Gloria around my birthday. Last year, for some insane reason, she got me this gift certificate for ridiculous salsa-dancing lessons. Like I'm ever gonna use that. Come on. Anyway, somehow, she's convinced herself I didn't "appreciate" her gifts. You know. [scoffs] Some people.

Claire: So, tomorrow at work might be a little bit hectic. Just a lot of stuff going on at the office. And it's not that I don't want to do it, 'cause I do.
Gloria: No, Claire, let's not do this dance again. We all know how you feel about dancing.

Jay: Proud, proud day, Phil.
Phil: Thanks, partner.
Jay: Maybe we should get this show on the road. The photographer's been taking shots of Haley when she's not looking.
Phil: That's weird. I didn't hire a photographer.

Jared Cook: Dunphy, right? Jared Cook. Nice shovel.
Phil: Thanks. I painted it myself. This is my partner, Jay Pritchett.
Jared Cook: I represent Jetatech. Are you familiar with us?
Jay: Not in the least.
Phil: Oh, you'll have to forgive Jay. He's a bit of Luddite.
Jared Cook: Anyway, our building is two doors down, and we're looking to expand our campus. We want this lot, and we're prepared to offer you 20% over what you paid plus expenses.
Jay: That's a nice offer, Jare, but I don't think you understand what's happening here. It's not about the huge profits. We're building my son-in-law's dream, and it's gonna be a giant success because this is man of vision.
Jared Cook: Oh, I know all about dreams. Someday, I hope to get into encrypted packet switching. Good luck to you, gentlemen.
Phil: Jay, this man's vision just got blurry with tears.
Jay: Would you get ahold of yourself. I just said that crap to drive the price up. He'll be back.

Phil: By the power vested in me by the Commercial Zoning Board, I do hereby officially break ground on the future home of Dunphy Tower. Oh, that's strong soil. That's a good omen. I'm gonna pogo it. [all shout indistinctly] Anybody else bring a shovel?

Ben: Oh, thank God you're here. It's a nightmare. The staff is in an uproar about these budget cuts. Telling them there's no more overtime was bad, but when I had to tell them there were no more bagels, someone threw a cup at my head.
Claire: I don't know what else to do. Sales-wise we didn't exactly have the Christmas I was hoping for. What do people give each other, anyway?

Ben: Well, just spitballing here maybe we could fire Kenny from the warehouse.
Claire: No one's getting fired.
Ben: But he does a really hurtful impression of me.
Claire: Come on, guys. Everybody gather round. I don't like these budget cuts any more than you do, but I want you to know I'm in this with you. I've cut my expenses. All the execs are flying coach. But I do want you to feel like you have a voice in this. So, not only is my office door always open to you, I've actually had it removed.
Ben: That's a very powerful metaphor, boss.
Kenny: [nasally] That's a very powerful metaphor, boss. [laughter]
Claire: Kenny, thanks for keeping it light. So good!

Gloria: Happy birthday!
Claire: What are you doing in here?
Gloria: You said that you were too busy to get away from the office to celebrate. So I brought the celebration to you.
Ben: Snap.
Claire: Oh. Is that caviar?
Gloria: Yes! And something to wash it down.
Claire: Oh, yay, champagne. [chuckles] [to Ben] Get me a door.

Lily: If I don't win the science fair with this thing you built me, it's rigged.
Cameron: Amen, sister.
Mitchell: [enters] Oh, come on, you started without me?
Lily: No, we finished without you.
Cameron: Yeah, we wanted it work.

Mitchell: I guess you also wanted it to be really simplistic, because right there, you can make it better if you just added- [drill whirs] OKay. So, right there, you can make it better if you just added- [drill whirs] Okay. I thought you said you were done!
Cameron: Okay, Mitchell, I love you.
Mitchell: But?
Cameron: No "but." Yet we both know I'm the more mechanically-inclined daddy.