Claire: I do this all the time. She does these amazing things, and I'm so used to it I don't even make a big deal over Caltech.
Phil: I got excited. Doesn't that count?
Claire: Oh, honey, you get excited over everything. You're a born cheerleader. I I just need to make a really big fuss over Alex today. That's all. I know. You're upset because I said that you were a born-
Phil: There's no such thing as a born cheerleader. It takes hard work and sacrifice. You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries.

Luke: Did you get it?
Manny: Yep.
Luke: Sweet Mexican treasure.
Manny: I was born in Florida, but thank you.

Cameron: [smiling] Mitchell, I have some really sad news.
Mitchell: Yes, you seem very broken up.
Cameron: Apparently, I had an uncle, uh, Cyrus who died and out of the blue left me a pretty handsome sum. I-I guess he didn't have a lot of other kin.
Mitchell: Okay, this is the one time I don't mind you saying "kin."

Phil: [on the phone] Okay, Gloria just make sure Jay doesn't find out. [phone beeps] Oh, boy! I just heard that. You probably think there's something between me and Gloria. Relax.
Claire: I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.

Mitchell: I'm really proud of you because there was a time when I wouldn't have even seen this check.
Cameron: Oh, well, yes. You know, I used to be quite the impulse buyer. But I don't even recognize that guy anymore.
Lily: I love my new faux mink, Daddy. I forgot which Gabor sister am I?
Cameron: You're Eva, the classy one, but listen. We need to keep the tags on it, because it's going back.
Lily: Well, then yours is going back too.
Cameron: No. That's a hard thing, because the saleslady said I look like Dr. Zhivago.

Mitchell: Get ready to see the best gift ever. Happy birthday!
Jay: It's a grill. I got a grill.
Mitchell: You had a wife too. Didn't mean you couldn't trade up. I give you the Flame XL. My client owns the company. He gave me a crazy good deal. 25,000 wood propane BTUs. That's plenty, right? No! Electric rotisserie! If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on.

Mitchell: Well, if that's her giving you a hard time, I think you got off pretty easy.
Claire: Well, that's true. That one never really went through a rebellious phase.
Mitchell: Remember how wild we were?
Claire: [chuckling] Oh! Were we ever.
Mitchell: [chuckling, sighing] Oh. Were we ever?
Claire: Not really, no. You had your summer of the red Afro and I dated the whitest Puerto Rican on earth.

Jay: Do what
Mitchell: Oh, nothing. You're busy.
Jay: Not really. Phil's tinkering with the new grill so you better collect some old photographs for the memorial.

Lily: What are you gonna tell Daddy?
Cameron: Well, I guess I'm just gonna tell him I made a mistake. You know, like I say, sweetie, honesty is always the best policy. Unless... And stay with me here.
Lily: Where would I go?
Cameron: I convince your daddy to wait on the apartment upstairs until I have enough time to sell your coat and, if need be, even sell mine.
Lily: Thanks for selling mine first, Dr. Chicago.

Mitchell: It's not fair, okay? Dad gave you the same amount of money for your down payment.
Phil: What? Jay loaned us that money?
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You don't know. Yes. Yes. Makes you wonder what else she's lied about, huh?
Phil: Wait. I've owed Jay money for 20 years, and you never told me?
Claire: I didn't think you'd want to take it.
Phil: I finally understand the invisible wall that's been between Jay and me all this time. This is why we're not laughing about that crazy grill taking an awesome selfie with it, posting it on Instagram sending hilarious e-mails back and forth! "Remember when the grill went nuts?" "Oh, yeah. That was hilarious." "You're hilarious." [chuckles]