Phil: This is actually much more embarrassing. I just found out you lent us money for our down payment. So here. Paid back in full.
Jay: Phil, is this because Mitchell-
Phil: No. This is for me. For us. And though it may be long overdue, thank you.
Jay: You're welcome. Probably seems awkward, but-
Phil: It's happening.
Jay: Could you throw that apron on me? [Phil hugs Jay] You're not sleeping again?

Luke: Maybe we should have another pot of coffee. That's a weird word, huh? Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.

Gloria: Doctor! I need your help. I've been drinking this tequila, and I cannot find the worm. I think I just swallow it.
Will: That's very serious. That worm could eat your insides in a matter of hours.
Haley: Well, there must be something she can do.
Will: Drink pickle juice. The worm cannot survive in pickle juice.
Gloria: Is this enough?
Will: Just.
Gloria: Thank you, Doctor. I'm feeling better already.
Will: You got lucky. The only other treatment is to freeze the worm to death by lowering the body temperature with an ice bath.

Luke: I feel it inside of me.
Manny: No. I think it's inside of me. I knew we should've poured the tequila in your belly button. That's why they have these systems in place.

Claire: To my brilliant daughter-
Lily: [to Haley] So, not you.
Claire: Who worked for 12 years to get into Caltech the most prestigious college-
Alex: Mom, it's really not a big deal.
Claire: Oh, honey, wait, wait, wait. You said yourself it's the best scientist school in the country.
Alex: Well, I most definitely did not use those words.

Gloria: Congratulations, Alex. We expect great things from you unlike some of the other children in this family.
Haley: [to Lily] Well, I snagged a doctor, so she must be talking about you.

Cameron: Okay, what about me? My tears have barely dried, he stole my inheritance and I'm left holding the bag for two fur coats.
Mitchell: T-Two?
Cameron: I can get three seasons of use out of it.

Jay: Not gonna help, kid.
Alex: You're right. I can't drown my problems in alcohol.
Jay: Well, you can, but that's water. You're not really gonna turn down Caltech?
Alex: Oh, please don't tell me what a great school it is how I'm gonna graduate in two years and they're gonna name a country after me.
Jay: You're feeling some pressure.
Alex: What if I'm the dumbest one there? Someone has to be. I could get there, be dumb, have a nervous breakdown-
Jay: Hey, you're going. I know you. You've never backed down from a challenge your whole life. Now I could lie to you and tell you it's gonna be easy.
Alex: Well, do that. I'm vulnerable. I'll believe you.
Jay: It's not. It's gonna be hard. But you and I both know this is something you have to do.
Alex: 'Cause if I don't, I'll regret it my whole life. I know, I know.
Jay: Yeah, that's part of it. Let's take a ride. Want to show you something.
Alex: You're not gonna drive me into a bad neighborhood to show me how lucky I am, are you?

Cameron: Well, I would still have my money if she hadn't tricked Mitchell.
Claire: Oh, and it's a shame you don't, Cam. 'Cause then you could buy another one of those coats.
Phil: Well, I didn't get anything I wanted! Jay didn't even like the world's most perfect grill. [explosion] Come on!

Jay: The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.
Alex: Do I have to?
Jay: Heavy hangs the head.
Alex: You know, college might not be such a big, scary place if I drove up the first-
Jay: Not gonna happen.
Alex: Okay.