Cameron: You gave him my money, didn't you?
Mitchell: Your money? I thought you said it was our money.
Cameron: Why would it be our money? You didn't know my Uncle Remus.
Mitchell: Wasn't it Cyrus?
Cameron: I think I would know the name of the saint that practically raised me.

Jay: I'm just not comfortable with Vesuvius over there. I hope you can get your money back.
Phil: "Money back." There it is.
Jay: Huh?
Phil: There's a shadow that's been cast over this relationship for quite a while now.
Jay: Is this about that time you were sleepwalking and came in my tent and kissed my neck?
Phil: "Somnamorousness" the condition no one wants to talk about.
Jay: You're right about that.

Cameron: Okay, don't be mad at Phil. He's not the bad guy here. He is. Look at him, sitting over there like he's the king of the world.
Mitchell: What father takes money from his own children?
Claire: Not like he needs it. He lives in this palace.
Mitchell: Meanwhile, our whole family's sharing a bathroom the size of his closet. I know. I've paced it out.

Luke: Funny. I always thought I'd be found dead in a bird suit at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Manny: You still will, buddy. You still will.
Gloria: [camera shutter clicks] If I ever catch you drinking again your whole school is going to see this picture.
Manny: Sh-Sh-She tricked us.
Luke: I know. As soon as we kill this worm, we're gonna get her back.

Alex: I just got accepted into Caltech.
Phil: You did? That is incredible! We're gonna have a famous scientist in the family!
Claire: Uh, not that there's any shame in learning a trade. Air conditioners are always gonna break.
Luke: I looked into it. It's a lot of classes.

Manny: So, is that a birthday present for you or an extremely late midlife crisis?
Jay: I don't think "extremely" is necessary. It's on loan kind of a weekend-long test drive.
Manny: Wow. I walk into a store, they make me leave my backpack behind the counter.
Jay: It's an old car salesman's trick. They're hoping I'd fall in love with it and never give it back. But I can't justify buying it any more than you can justify that hat.

Andy: [aside to camera] I was seeing Haley for the first time since she came to visit me in the hospital. She said some pretty heavy stuff. She didn't know I heard. I tried for a couple weeks to forget about it and just go on with Beth but I couldn't stop thinking about Haley. So, today's the day I'm finally gonna have the big talk.

Andy: There's a cooler of drinks out back! Help yourselves! Hey. Where's Haley? Is she coming?
Alex: The last time Haley informed me of her plans, she said "Ha, ha. I'm going to Cabo, and you're not."
Andy: [chuckling] She's the best.

Jay: But it's got all those doodads. I don't know what to do with those doodads.
Phil: You're doing a great job of hiding your excitement about this gift. Look, it's simplicity itself. You just turn on the gas, hit the electric starter. [starter clicking] Hit the electric starter.
Jay: Phil, you might want to lay off- [gas lights]
Phil: Oh! I'm fine. Healthy as ever.
Jay: I'd know if you weren't, 'cause I just saw your skeleton.

Gloria: Looking for something?
Luke: Aaah! Uh, yeah you. [chuckles] I just wanted to say what a nice party you put together.
Gloria: The secret is to know what your guests want and I know what you want.
Manny: Hey, Luke. Quick lesson. This is a coaster. It prevents rings. Thanks to you and your Dr. Pepper my teak end table upstairs looks like the Olympic flag. Think, Luke.
Gloria: Yes. Think, Luke.