Claire: You and Ben and... Honey, isn't he 50?
Alex: He's 26.
Ben: It runs in my family. I'm gonna look like this until the day I die.

Claire: He kissed me.
Alex: You kissed my mom?!
Phil: You kissed my wife?!
Ben: Dude, I thought I had to or I would lose my job, okay?
Claire: That's not... mnh-mnh.
Ben: That's for real. We were working late. It was just the two of us. She reached over to grab a spring roll, I guess. But she got right in my face, and she whispered, "Mmm, Mama's hungry."
Phil: I have to say, Claire, this one might be on you.

Alex: Maybe I like a little off. And that's not all he is. He's an amazing person who somehow gets me. He's thoughtful and smart, and... I feel like I can be myself around him. And his nose does this little wiggly thing when he sleeps.
Ben: [chuckles] You watch me sleep? Dude, I watch you sleep.
Alex: I'm really glad that this is finally out and I can tell people how I feel about you. I really like you, Ben. Like, a lot.
Ben: And I have never loved anyone as much as you.
Alex: Don't make this weird.

Gloria: That's the way I like to tell a story. I like to paint a picture.
Jay: A story should be short and simple. Don't tell me anything I don't need to know.
Gloria: I am taking you on a journey. I am not teaching you how to build a bookcase.
Manny: Seriously? You saw me waiting. You couldn't tell me you weren't leaving? You brought your own shopping bags, but you left your manners at home.

Gloria: A couple of weeks ago, I go to the grocery store, the one on Washington that has the tiny little wine bar to the right. So, I come in, I'm looking for paper towels. And I think, "Mmm, I'm gonna treat myself "with some wine and some cheese." 'cause why not? So, I order my drink, and when I look up, I thought I saw Sandra Bullock.
Jay: Stop. Right there, you just said you thought you saw Sandra Bullock. I already know the ending. It wasn't her. End of story.
Gloria: Yeah, but you don't even know who it really was.
Jay: I know it's not Sandra Bullock, so I'm not invested.
Manny: You know, I really loved her in that movie "Gravity."
Jay: Who cares? She wasn't there.

Manny: [to a woman on the street] Are you leaving? I want your spot. [the woman starts running] Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself, lady.

Gloria: Manny, are you listening?
Manny: No, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.
Jay: Because you're not holding his attention. And this is what I've been talking about, too many useless details. Get on with it.
Gloria: So, she turns around, she takes her sunglasses off, which was really weird, because it was the exact same pair that I bought last year that I lost on that plane ride...
Jay: Nobody cares about your sunglasses. Just get to the end.
Gloria: I don't want to now.
Jay: The woman turns to your mother and says, "Oh, my God. Are you Salma Hayek?"

Jay: Man, I haven't thought about that in years.
Manny: That was really moving.
Jay: [whispering] 'Cause that's how you tell a story.

Rainer Shine: [thunder clap] That's odd.
Haley: What's wrong?
Rainer Shine: It's raining. I didn't predict that. I called for clear skies tonight.
Haley: Hmm. Ooh, should we order some champagne to celebrate?
Rainer Shine: I can't believe my forecast was wrong.
Haley: Oh, don't beat yourself up about it. If it helps, my weather app didn't predict rain either.
Rainer Shine: Your what?
Haley: Nothing.

Rainer Shine: Wait, wait. Why are you panicking? I'm the one who can't mess up another marriage. I mean, you mess up the first one, fine. It's a mulligan. But the second one fails, and suddenly I'm the problem. I lose my chance at being the spokesperson for Blue Monsoon Korean Energy Drink.
Haley: Let's just take a breath. It's natural to freak out a little bit. We're making a lifetime commitment. We're going to be together forever. [thunderclap] Just you and me. Forever.
Rainer Shine: You just said that.
Haley: [laughing] I know. Because... Because it's great. That's what every girl wants, right? I mean, sure, I'm still really young and there's obviously so much more I thought I'd do before I tied myself down to one person for the rest of my life. But does anyone ever truly feel ready to get married? I mean, probably.
Rainer Shine: Haley.
Haley: But it's not like I'm dying. I just won't be single anymore. I'll won't ever go on a first date again. I won't ever have a first kiss. I won't ever dance near a deejay booth hoping someone will like what they see and offer me a ride home. [whimpers] Oh, my. Is it, is it me or is it just crazy hot in here? Can somebody open a window, please?
Rainer Shine: No, no, they can't because, as I did not predict, it's raining outside.