Phil: [on the phone] I killed a bunch of baby birds.
Claire: What?
Phil: My robot wiped out the nest. And now the mom's just staring at me. They recognize faces, you know. I saw it in a documentary.

Alex: Hey Grandpa, great word you played earlier today. What does "syzygy" even mean?
Jay: It means 45 points. Ha!

Cameron: Well, can you believe she said I'm the emotionally fragile one? I mean, how crazy is that?
Mitchell: Boy.
Cameron: "Boy"? Is that your thinly veiled way of saying you agree with her?
Mitchell: Pfft.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? If I was fragile, I would care, but I'm not, so I don't.
Mitchell: Good.
Cameron: Good. And you know what? That shirt washes you out, so don't be shocked when someone mistakes you for a beige candle.

Pam: Sorry. It's my parents again. I'm getting married soon, and they're already acting like they have 'empty-nest-syndrome'.
Phil: Mm.

Claire: I talked Phil into skipping Luke's game, and then I went, and, of course, he played the game of his life. But Luke doesn't want to tell Phil about the game now because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
Cameron: Oh, well, I think it's sweet that Luke's protecting Phil. You know, we all have to protect my sister in my family because she's such a disaster.
Claire: Mm.
Cameron: I mean, you can see it, right?
Claire: I think it was a little weird she brought pig to a party.
Cameron: Hey! I can say it.

Cameron: In fact, I would like everyone to be honest with me, please, right now. No sugar-coating. My sister here seems to think you all have to walk on eggshells around me.
Phil: Eggshells.

Cameron: Okay, well, why don't you give me an example of something you haven't told me because you were worried I couldn't handle it? Go on.
Claire: All right. Last week when we were supposed to have lunch and you cancelled, Beyonce was at the restaurant.
Cameron: Okay. The singer or Pepper's dog?
Claire: The singer. And when I was leaving, I-I-I stopped and I said hello to her and we chatted for like 10 minutes.
Cameron: Okay, that's great. I'm glad you had that experience? I mean, I don't know what you talked to her about, seeing that you don't know any of her songs other than "Single Ladies," which everyone knows.
Jay: I love that song.
Gloria: I'm surprised you can hear it.

Mitchell: Well, this was fun. Who's hungry? Hey, where's that boar?
Cameron: Okay, anyone else?
Manny: Well, since we're coming clean, you overuse the word "divine." It's just an ice-cream sandwich. You're the boy who cried "divine."
Cameron: Okay. Was not aware of that. Duly noted.

Cameron: Okay, anyone else?
Haley: I don't really like the shirts with the crazy cuffs.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Can you push your boobs down? Because I couldn't hear you.
Pam: Here we go.

Phil: You went to Luke's game?
Claire: I did, Phil, and I am so sorry. I did not mean to. But then he started playing the most amazing game, and I got so wrapped up in it. I know I should have called.
Phil: Yeah, you should've called. You were amazing?
Claire: Oh, he was incredible. I wish you'd been there.
Phil: Then why'd you make me skip it?! I knew you had it in you!
Claire: Oh, coach said he's gonna start next week.
Phil: You're starting? I'm so mad at you! I'm so proud of you!