Gloria: [on the phone, shouting in Spanish] Mwah, mwah, mwah!
Manny: I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."
Jay: I'll never get this, how you all yell at each other.
Gloria: That's how you know that your family loves you. When they feel free to scream at you.
Jay: Oh, I guess I owe my ex-wife an apology. Apparently, she was nuts about me.

Manny: [drops egg] Darn it!
Jay: Try the next one over a frying pan. I could use some breakfast.

Jay: [on the phone] Hey, I'm calling about that, uh, egg project the boys are doing. Parents aren't supposed to help out on that, right?
Claire: Why would the parents be helping?
Jay: Why do they cut grapes for 8-year-olds? I figure if you can eat a chicken finger, you can tear your way through a grape.
Claire: Again, dad?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, it just bugs me, is all. The point is, I'm not helping, and I hope no one else is helping, either.

Gloria: Jay, he doesn't need you to baby him.
Jay: I'm just gonna give him a few tips. Kid, get yourself a snack.
Gloria: Okay, I'll cut him some grapes.
Jay: Damn it!
Gloria: Not like that, Jay. Like this.
Jay: Look. It just irritates me, you know what I mean?

Mitchell: [aside to camera:] We're meeting with prospective birth mothers.
Cameron: We've had a few of these meetings, and they're very nerve-racking. You want to look good, you want to make a good first impression. Kind of like a first date.
Mitchell: Actually, it's- It's the opposite of a first date. You don't wanna have sex, but you do want a baby.

Lindsay: I have to say, Lily is adorable, and such a good eater.
Cameron: Oh, not all the time. She just happens to love my tuna salad. Dolphin safe, of course.
Lindsay: Oh, who cares about that?
Mitchell: Well, I bet the dolphins do.
Lindsay: It's okay to eat tuna, but not dolphin? My theory is, a fish is a fish.
Cameron: Mm.
Mitchell: Well... A dolphin's actually a mammal, so...
Lindsay: Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.
Mitchell: More like tomato, cow.

Cameron: Okay, I know it's killing you to do this whole song and dance, but I think it's going great.
Mitchell: Cam, there's a limit, okay? We already promised her that we would show her son all 52 states.

Claire: What are you doing here?
Jay: Manny needs that soldering iron I lent to Phil. One of the screws on his project keeps coming loose. Other than that, it's flawless. His latest test run, he dropped it off the roof, he walked downstairs, it hadn't landed yet.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I had nothing. I had to get in Claire's head. Sometimes the best thing to do in race to the top is grease the pole behind you.

Lindsay: It was wonderful.
Cameron: Oh.
Lindsay: I'm confused, though. I thought Cameron was the singer.
Cameron: Yeah. Oh Yes, yes, I am.
Lindsay: Really? Because Mitchell has such a lovely voice.
Cameron: Well, I think he was following my lead. You know, a good leader can make all the difference.
Lindsay: Actually, you were a little pitchy. But it was terrific, really.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Cameron: Yes. Thank you for your opinion. [discordant notes]

Gloria: Ay. Where is the car? I parked it here!
Haley: It's a tow zone.
Gloria: Somebody just put that there, because that wasn't here when I parked!
Haley: It looks pretty old to me.
Gloria: Haley, don't lie. That was not here!