Gloria: Faster! Faster! We're going to be late to your father. Why did you have to do your toes, too?
Haley: Well, there's this really cute boy at school who's kinda into my feet.
Gloria: Be careful. That can get really creepy fast.

Gloria: Taxi! You see? They don't stop because I'm Latina.
Haley: Or because that was just a yellow car.

Cameron: It wouldn't be a celebration without cider or a celebratory song. But this time, I want you to sit right here. So have a seat here. Let's just get this mop out of the way there.
[starts singing and playing "If You Leave Me Now" on the keyboard]
Cameron: If you leave me now You'll take away the biggest part of me Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, baby, please don't go Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, I just want you to stay-
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Yes, she was upset, but on a positive note, what I take from this experience is, I can sing.
Mitchell: Uh, what we didn't take away from the experience is a baby, because she decided to keep it.

Phil: I kind of need to sweep here.
Gloria: [steps up] Okay. But- But I'm so sorry, Phil.
Phil: It's okay.
Gloria: No, it's not okay. We came late and we ruined your whole presentation.
Phil: These things happen.
Gloria: Yeah, it happens and people get angry.
Phil: Gloria, it's fine.
Gloria: No, it's not fine! I'm trying to have a real conversation, and all you do is put me on a pedestal!

Claire: That's a pretty nice piece of handiwork for a 13-year-old.
Jay: Yeah, Luke did pretty good, too, for a kid who still needs help getting out of his backpack.
Claire: Still your grandson.
Jay: Felt bad when I said it.

Alex: I'm not wrong. Mum can be crazy, right?
Haley: [talking on her cell phone] Hello?
Alex: Thank you. At the same time, I feel guilty when I get mad at her.
Haley: I don't think that's weird.
Alex: I'm just really proud of my project, and I didn't want to share it.
Haley: Everybody has their own thing.
Alex: Thanks, Haley. I know it might sound dorky, but these late night conversations really mean a lot to me. They're the only time that I feel like I-
Haley: OK, Corey, just one picture. Hold on. Ugh, my feet look fat from this angle. Hey, Alex, wake up. I need you to take a picture of my feet.

Cameron: Okay, this is not really about the scones.
Mitchell: Oh, really? You didn't need help carrying six scones?
Cameron: No, this is about your need to correct everyone's every little mistake.
Mitchell: I am sorry. I thought that she could use a basic biology lesson.
Cameron: Well, let me give you a basic biology lesson: You and I can't make a baby. So if she points to a lamp and calls it "Uncle George," what are you gonna say?
Mitchell: "Pleased to meet you, Uncle George."
Cameron: Very good. Now let's get out there, smile, nod, and get ourselves a baby.

Haley: Do I really have to go to this thing?
Phil: Yes. You're a big part of today. You're my support staff.
Haley: Then why am I not getting paid?
Claire: Mmm. That is a good question. And I think I'm gonna text you the answer on that cell phone we pay for.

Phil: Honey, do you wanna practice your part again?
Claire: Uh, no. It's just one question. I think I got it.
Phil: Yeah, but it's the most important question because it launches me into my big finish. Yes. That way, people leave excited.
Haley: Oh, I think people will be excited to leave.

Claire: Luke. Why?
Luke: I'm sorry. It's for school. I have to design a container that'll protect an egg in a 1-story drop.
Claire: Yeah, so, um, you thought you would go with an egg carton?
Luke: What if the best idea was under my nose the whole time?