[asides to camera, separately:]
Phil: Claire and Jay are incredibly competitive.
Gloria: Tennis games, card games, everything. Who knows why?
Mitchell: Claire is the son that my dad never had. I mean, he just wanted someone to throw a ball in the backyard. I did once, but he did not attend.

Luke: Ugh! I wouldn't have to do any of this if Alex would just let me use hers from when she took the class.
Alex: Never. That design is my intellectual property. I think it has applications for unmanned space flight.
Haley: Keep talking like that and you'll go through life unmanned.

Claire: You know, this is your fault.
Jay: What?
Claire: The way we compete with each other it's sick. It's so sick, two 13-year-olds know how to take advantage of us. And you know what? You made me this way.
Jay: How do you figure that?
Claire: Dad! You pushed me into sports. You never let me win. You know, that stuff, it does something to a girl.
Jay: For your information, you came out of the womb like that. I'm not entirely sure there wasn't a twin in there you bumped off.

Phil: So the five keys to investing wisely in a down real estate market are: "Keyp" your cool. "Keyp" informed. Legwork.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I recently became a partner in a new agency, so I put together a seminar to recruit first-time home buyers. I want to give 'em a step-by-step description of exactly what I can do for them. Am I worried that they might write it all down and just do it themselves? Quite frankly, I hadn't thought about it until just now.

Manny: This is so frustrating.
Jay: At least you're getting your hands dirty for a change.
Manny: It is a nice break from the life of the mind I usually live.
Jay: That's the spirit.
Manny: Plus it's a metaphor for the human condition. Aren't we all just fragile eggs hiding behind bubble wrap and bravado?
Jay: And we're back.

Gloria: Well, I'm sure that your egg-droppy thing is going to be the best in the class.
Manny: Hmm. Except for Luke's.
Gloria: Really? Our Luke? But isn't he, like, a little, like...
Manny: I bet Claire's gonna help him, just like she did with his self-portrait for art class. There was life in those eyes. It was haunting.

Jay: Why can't Claire help him?
Gloria: He didn't say.
Jay: I'll tell you why, because she's knee-deep in Luke's egg drop project.
Gloria: She said that she was not going to help.
Jay: That's exactly what I would say to me if I was helping my kid and didn't want me to know.
Gloria: Why would you be talking to you?

Lindsay: Oh, wow, you have a keyboard.
Cameron: Oh, yes. That's mine.
Lily: You're musical. I love that. It's very important to me.
Cameron: Oh, well, you're preaching to the choir. Literally. I've sung in several.

Mitchell: Now we are actually doing a song and dance.
Cameron: Okay, well, look at it this way. We're not only adopting a baby, we're saving it from a life spent searching for East Dakota.

Mitchell: Bear with us. We're a little rusty.
Cameron: Yes, and please put all cell phones on vibrate.
[Cameron plays "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" on the keyboard as he and Mitchell sing]
Both: [singing] Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Honey, if I get restless Baby, you're not that kind? Ooh, hoo Nobody knows it Nobody knows When I was down I was your clown-
Cameron: I really am a clown.