Gloria: I have a small flower on my ankle. And a tiny, little butterfly on my... thigh.
Alex: How high up?
Gloria: Very high.
Alex: Did you do it to look sexy? No, did you do it for a guy? Does Grandpa like it?
Gloria: No, no, and yes.
Alex: That's gross. Let's go back to your piercings.

Gloria: Alex, why are you fighting me on this?
Alex: It doesn't matter if I dress up. I'm not pretty like Haley and you.
Gloria: That's ridiculous! You're beautiful!
Alex: I'm not. But that's okay. I'm the smart one.

Gloria: Hmm, the cute busboy doesn't know that you're smart.
Alex: What?
Gloria: He's been smiling at you every time he comes to the table.
Alex: He does not!
Gloria: Why do you think we are the only people with bread? Look, one day, you are going to want to date a cute guy like that. When that day comes, you're gonna want to look beautiful, and then you'll wear a dress.
Alex: So, you ever kiss another girl?
Gloria: That's no way to talk to your grandmother.

Claire: Was my mom hard on me growing up? Yeah, she was. But you know what? Back then, everything was Betty Friedan And Gloria Steinem. They didn't understand...

Gloria: Did you have fun with Luke?
Manny: Well, not-
Claire: We had a great time. Alex, I've been thinking, and If you don't want to wear a dress to the wedding, it's not the end of the world.
Alex: It's all right. I bought one. [Alex and Gloria laugh]
Claire: Do you see how she has to provoke me?
Manny: We'll talk about it next week.

Phil: Ow! Ow! I need to rest my face.

Gloria: You okay?
Jay: Gloria. Thank god you're here.
Manny: Don't worry. I'm here, too.
Phil: Who's this?

Jay: Wasn't my fault.
Claire: Oh, I have seen you thread the needle a million times. You never miss.
Jay: Yeah, I must be getting old.
Claire: Why don't you just admit it? You never liked Phil. And put that down. You do not get a cookie.

Jay: I like Phil. It's just that sometimes he tries too hard, you know? And it's just kind of... Irritating.
Claire: Okay, maybe he tries too hard because you make zero effort with him. You know what? In the 16 years that we've been married, have you one time told him that you liked him?
Jay: Not in those exact words, no.
Claire: No, not in any words, Dad. How do you think that makes me feel?

Gloria: You've never told your son that you love him?
Jay: Whoa, whoa, when did we jump to "love"? And he's technically not my son.
Gloria: Ah. So that means that you don't love Manny, either?
Jay: Well, sure I do. I mean, believe me, when I was in that park, I really wished Manny was there.
Gloria: For what? So that you could fly the plane into his head?