Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Cameron: No, no, sweetie, we're just having a conversation about how your daddy can be so stuck-up.
Mitchell: Cam, that's really mature. Use our daughter to get your little digs in. I would never do that, sweetie.
Cameron: You don't think I notice how condescending you are when we come here? You just set on the porch. You roll your eyes. You don't participate in anything. And, yeah, I said "set." But that's how we talk here. I'm from this place. I'm proud of this place. And it hurts me that the man I love just thinks it's some big joke. Come on, sweetie.
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

Cameron: [aside to camera] We never told Gram about the gay. You know, after they reach a certain age, you worry that it could be the thing that sends them over the edge, and she's been on the edge for a long time. We're actually on deathbed number two.

Phil: We're gonna have to improvise. Gloria, call the steakhouse and cancel. Um Manny, find some glue. Luke, let's get these parts into the garage. I know this seems impossible, but we can do this!
Gloria: [on the phone] Hello. Houston's? We have a situation.